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aviation JOKES (random)

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."

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 1 - A man named Mr. Smith was flying from San Francisco to LA. Unexpectedly the plane stopped in S... More ››
 2 - Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate... More ››
 3 - Southwest Airlines makes humor a high priority. Here are some actual humorous statements by airline... More ››
 4 - One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the... More ››
 5 - An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and ma... More ››
 6 - A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing w... More ››
 7 - A man is flying from Los Angeles to New York. During the meal service, he accidentally knocked... More ››
 8 - Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilize... More ››
 9 - It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back h... More ››
 10 - As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks... More ››
 11 - Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the count... More ››
 12 - An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was to... More ››
 13 - Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd... More ››
 14 - While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "G... More ››
 15 - A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewarde... More ››
 16 - Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain, "Ladies and Gentlemen... More ››
 17 - There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the... More ››
 18 - A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose do... More ››
 19 - A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before... More ››
 20 - No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight... More ››
 21 - An employee of USAir with the last name of Gay boarded a USAir flight with a free travel vouch... More ››
 22 - The Captain was Jewish, and the new First Officer was Chinese. It was the first time they had... More ››
 23 - An airplane pilot dies at the controls. He goes to Hell. The devil takes him to the 'newly arriv... More ››
 24 - On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks t... More ››
 25 - The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were often short-tempered. They not only expected yo... More ››
 26 - A young lady was conducting a study in to human sexual behavior. She came to the conclusion th... More ››
 27 - An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flyi... More ››
 28 - A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, st... More ››
 29 - A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, t... More ››
 30 - A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the cap... More ››
 31 - Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom... More ››
 32 - After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily... More ››
 33 - "This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British... More ››
 34 - A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane any... More ››
 35 - An airplane was flying from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced,... More ››
 36 - An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway... More ››
 37 - At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate... More ››
 38 - As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his... More ››
 39 - A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had... More ››
 40 - A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplish... More ››
 41 - From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate y... More ››
 42 - A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's falling, he realizes hiss c... More ››
 43 - Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air Force 1 o... More ››
 44 - On a flight with EasyJet back in 1997 the pilot made what can only be describes as an extremel... More ››
 45 - An airplane was losing altitude over the Rocky Mountains. The pilot over the intercom said that... More ››
 46 - Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old... More ››
 47 - During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Admin... More ››
 48 - Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the "Fasten Sea... More ››
 49 - A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance,... More ››
 50 - A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented... More ››
 51 - Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy... More ››
 52 - All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. Du... More ››
 53 - An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passe... More ››
 54 - Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husba... More ››
 55 - Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.... More ››
 56 - United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has... More ››
 57 - McNally was taking his first plane ride, flying over the Rocky Mountains. The stewardess handed... More ››
 58 - USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on busine... More ››
 59 - According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight. T... More ››
 60 - After the first takeoff of the fully automatic airplane, the passengers heard the soothing, re... More ››
 61 - A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his firs... More ››
 62 - An airline stewardess was giving the standard safety briefing to the passengers. She had just... More ››
 63 - Pilot says: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the sea... More ››
 64 - As the airliner was preparing to land in Madrid in a rainstorm, an English passenger seemed noti... More ››
 65 - Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel." Tower: "Roger Cessna 1234... More ››
 66 - A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot, but she keeps denying it--until fi... More ››
 67 - Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with... More ››
 68 - A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Po... More ››
 69 - Stewardess" "Yes, Sir?" "I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the sa... More ››
 70 - "Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.." "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet,... More ››
 71 - "I've never flown before, said the nervous old lady to the pilot. "You will bring me down safely... More ››
 72 - "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place t... More ››
 73 - Ever wonder why they never show the film ALIVE in-flight?...... It's not because of the film's... More ››
 74 - A man walks up to the counter at the airport. "Can I help you?" asks the agent. "I want a rou... More ››
 75 - A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked... More ››
 76 - A man telephoned an airline office in New York and asked, "How long does it take to fly to Bosto... More ››
 77 - ATC: "Cessna G-ABCD What are your intentions? " Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence a... More ››
 78 - Tower: Mission triple-three, do you have problems? Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass. To... More ››
 79 - From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight atten... More ››
 80 - It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like... More ››
 81 - Once as Laloo was coming out of airport, there was huge rush and the security guard told him, "W... More ››
 82 - Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remai... More ››
 83 - Pilot: Tower, there's a runway light burning. Tower: I'm sure there must be dozens of lights b... More ››
 84 - From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are o... More ››
 85 - Tower: Lufthansa 893, you're number one, check for workers on the taxiway. Pilot: Roger ........ More ››
 86 - Tower: Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ? Pilot: Nega... More ››
 87 - Tower: Shamu two-two, please state estimated time of arrival. Pilot: Ok, let's see..., I think... More ››
 88 - Little boy to airline pilot: "You're a pilot?!?!? That must be exciting." Pilot: "Not... More ››
 89 - How does the captain know the aircraft is safely at the ramp? Both the engines and the co-pilot s... More ››
 90 - "Hello flight 56, if you hear me rock your wings.." "OK TOWER, IF YOU HEAR ME ROCK THE TOWER!!"... More ››
 91 - Tower: What's your heigth and position? Pilot: Well, I'm 6 foot tall and I'm sitting front left.... More ››
 92 - How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb? None, it is done by the automatic pilot.... More ››
 93 - Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not? Pilot: Yes. Tower: Yes what?? Pilot: Yes, SIR!... More ››
 94 - Pilot: Tower, please call me a fuel truck. Tower: Roger. You are a fuel truck.... More ››
 95 - LH741: Tower, give me a rough time check Tower: It's Thursday, Sir.... More ››
 96 - Tower: Cannot read you, say again! Pilot: Again!... More ››
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