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christmas JOKES (random)

Elf: My favourite film is about the man who casts spells in the middle of a swamp.
Father Christmas: That's called 'The Wizard of Ooze'!

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 1 - How long does it take to burn a candle down ? About a wick !... More ››
 2 - Once upon a time there was a little girl who wanted a kitten for Christmas. Her mother couldn't... More ››
 3 - 'Father Christmas has two reindeer. He calls one Edward and the other one Edward! I bet you can'... More ››
 4 - Doctor, Doctor, Father Christmas gives us oranges every Christmas. Now I think I'm turning into... More ››
 5 - What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas? Fo... More ››
 6 - What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa as they were looking out their front window? "Looks like rein... More ››
 7 - What's Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents ? Santa pause !... More ››
 8 - How did the chickens dance at the Christmas party ? Chick to chick !... More ››
 9 - What happens to you at Christmas ? Yule be happy !... More ››
 10 - It was Christmas eve, and Santa was really busy making his list and checking it twice, when th... More ››
 11 - I remember when Father Christmas first passed his sleigh-driving test. He came skidding down in... More ››
 12 - 'Father Christmas has two reindeer. He calls one Edward and the other one Edward! I bet you ca... More ››
 13 - Father Christmas: I thought I asked you to go out there and clear the snow! I'm on my way, Fath... More ››
 14 - Father Christmas: What's your favourite Christmas story? Elf: The one where the three creatures... More ››
 15 - My problem is that I keep stealing things when I go Christmas shopping. Can you give me someth... More ››
 16 - Father Christmas: Excuse me, but did I step on your toes on my way out to get an ice-cream? Lad... More ››
 17 - Father Christmas: All right, my good lady, my face is my ticket. Box office attendant: Then you'd... More ››
 18 - Dear Father Christmas, this Christmas could you please send me a yellow door. Yours, Sherlock... More ››
 19 - Father Christmas: How do I stop a Christmas Gnome being airsick on the sledge? Gnome : Put a fi... More ››
 20 - I've had a slight accident with your sleigh, Father Christmas! Father Christmas: Oh no! That sl... More ››
 21 - Dear Father Christmas, could you please send me some Crocodile shoes!. Father Christmas: Can't... More ››
 22 - Father Christmas: What's your favourite Christmas story? Elf: The one about the ghost that stea... More ››
 23 - Who made this Christmas pudding? Our chef. He's a little green man who lives in a toadstool. Wha... More ››
 24 - Father Christmas:I like the story about the girl who steals from the rich and gives it all to... More ››
 25 - Elf: My favourite film is about the man who casts spells in the middle of a swamp. Father Chris... More ››
 26 - Someone bought Scrooge a clock for Christmas. He put it straight in the bank. Why did he do tha... More ››
 27 - Doctor, Doctor, with all the excitement of Christmas I can't sleep. Try lying on the edge of yo... More ››
 28 - A group of mountain climbers once heard Father Christmas go past. They must have had sharp ears... More ››
 29 - What song do Father Christmas' gnomes sing to him when he comes home cold on Christmas night? F... More ››
 30 - Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the s... More ››
 31 - Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a Christmas bell! Just take these pills - and, if they don'... More ››
 32 - Last year's Christmas pudding was so awful I threw it in the ocean. That's probably why the oce... More ››
 33 - What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas... More ››
 34 - Why does Santa Claus only have seven reindeer? Because Prancer moved in with a hairdresser in... More ››
 35 - Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble? Its true....Comet... More ››
 36 - I wouldn't say Christmas gnomes are ugly, But if beauty's skin deep then they were was born in... More ››
 37 - I wouldn't say that Christmas gnomes are cross-eyed, but when they cry the tears run down thei... More ››
 38 - ELF NO. 1: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve? ELF NO. 2: Okay everyone, sack t... More ››
 39 - What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas? It was wound up alre... More ››
 40 - Why are Father Christmas' reindeer like a cricket match? Because they're both stopped by the re... More ››
 41 - What do gnomes fear most about Christmas? They're afraid Father Christmas will give them the sa... More ››
 42 - Can I have a broken drum for Christmas? The best thing you could have asked for. You can't beat i... More ››
 43 - What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas ? Thanks, I'll never part with it !... More ››
 44 - Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage? Because it has long-distance runners on each side.... More ››
 45 - Father Christmas lost his umbrella but he didn't get wet! Why not? Because it wasn't raining!... More ››
 46 - What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ? Santa Claustrophobia !... More ››
 47 - Doctor, Doctor I'm scared of Father Christmas Doctor: You're suffering from Claus-trophobia.... More ››
 48 - I wouldn't say Christmas gnomes are small. But they used to be lumberjacks on a mushroom farm!... More ››
 49 - Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach ? Because he didn't want to be recognised !... More ››
 50 - One time Father Christmas lost his underpants. That's how he got the name Saint Knickerless!... More ››
 51 - JUDY: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus? MIKE: We'll have a boo Christmas without you.... More ››
 52 - ELF: Santa, one of the reindeer swallowed my pencil! What should I do? SANTA: Use a pen.... More ››
 53 - If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called? A subordinate claus.... More ››
 54 - Why is a burning candle like being thirsty ? Beacause a little water ends both of them !... More ››
 55 - How to cats greet each other at Christmas ? "A furry merry Christmas & Happy mew year" !... More ››
 56 - Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden ? Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe... More ››
 57 - What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ? The letter "D" !... More ››
 58 - Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition. Now thats what you call pot luck !... More ››
 59 - What did the big cracker say to the little cracker ? My pop is bigger than yours !... More ››
 60 - Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ? Because they both have "Sandy claws" !... More ››
 61 - What's fat and jolly and runs on eight wheels? Father Christmas on roller skates!... More ››
 62 - Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas ? No you can have turkey like everyone else !... More ››
 63 - Why couldn't the skeleton go to the Christmas Party ? He had no body to go with !... More ››
 64 - What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective ? Santa Clues !... More ››
 65 - What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ? Black mail !... More ››
 66 - "Why did your boyfriend return his Christmas tie?" "He said it was too tight."... More ››
 67 - Who sings "Love me tender", and makes Christmas toys? Santa's little Elvis.... More ››
 68 - What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree ? A pineapple !... More ››
 69 - What does Dracula write on his Christmas cards ? Best vicious of the season... More ››
 70 - Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters ? They both drop their needles !... More ››
 71 - What reindeer can jump higher than a house? They all can! Houses can't jump!... More ››
 72 - Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most? "Rude"olph... More ››
 73 - What does Father Christmas call that reindeer with no eyes? No-eyed-deer!... More ››
 74 - What's a hairdressers's favourite Christmas song? 'Oh comb all ye faithful'... More ››
 75 - Did you hear about the stupid turkey? It was looking forward to Christmas!... More ››
 76 - A football supporter's favourite Christmas song? 'Yule never walk alone'... More ››
 77 - Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.... More ››
 78 - Why couldn't the butterfly go to the Chistmas ball ? It was a moth ball !... More ››
 79 - Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.... More ››
 80 - How do sheep greet each other at Christmas ? A merry Christmas to ewe... More ››
 81 - Who is never hungry at Christmas ? The turkey - he's always stuffed !... More ››
 82 - What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ? It's Christmas, Eve !... More ››
 83 - What's a ghosts favourite Christmas entertainment ? A phantomime !... More ››
 84 - Who brings the Christmas presents to police stations? Santa Clues.... More ››
 85 - A rabbit's favourite Christmas song? 'Lettuce with a gladsome mind'... More ››
 86 - What do monkeys sing at Christmas ? Jungle Bells, Jungle bells.. !... More ››
 87 - What do you give a train driver for Christmas ? Platform shoes !... More ››
 88 - Why does Father Christmas go down chimneys? Because they soot him!... More ››
 89 - Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake ? Your teeth !... More ››
 90 - What do you get hanging from Father Christmas' roof? Tired arms!... More ››
 91 - What's the most popular wine at Christmas? "I don't like sprouts!"... More ››
 92 - What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ? Santapplause !... More ››
 93 - Did you hear about Dracula's Christmas party ? It was a scream !... More ››
 94 - Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ? Santa Jaws !... More ››
 95 - Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents? Elephanta Claus !... More ››
 96 - How does Santa Claus take pictures? With his North Pole-aroid.... More ››
 97 - How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad!... More ››
 98 - What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas ? Grave-y !... More ››
 99 - What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? Crisp Cringle.... More ››
 100 - What did Dracula say at the Christmas party ? Fancy a bite ?... More ››
 101 - What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? Crisp Cringle.... More ››
 102 - What game do reindeer play in their stalls? Stable-tennis!... More ››
 103 - How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ? Stacks !... More ››
 104 - What's Scrooge's favourite Christmas game? Mean-opoly.... More ››
 105 - What does Father Christmas call his money ? Iced lolly ?... More ››
 106 - What is the cow's holiday greeting? Mooooory Christmas!... More ››
 107 - Who delievers cat's Christmas presents ? Santa Paws !... More ››
 108 - What's Tarzan's favourite Christmas song? Jungle bells.... More ››
 109 - How do you make a slow reindeer fast ? Don't feed it !... More ››
 110 - What bird has wings but cannot fly ? Roast turkey !... More ››
 111 - What's Christmas called in England ? Yule Britannia !... More ››
 112 - Why is it so cold at Christmas? It's in Decembrrrrr.... More ››
 113 - What can Santa give away and still keep? A cold.... More ››
 114 - What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.... More ››
 115 - What does Santa say when he is sick? OH OH NO!... More ››
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