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dead and dying JOKES (random)

The man who was about to die said to the Sheriff, "Say, do I really have to die swinging from a tree?" "Course not," replied the Sheriff.
"We just put the rope round your neck and kick the horse away.
After that it's up to you."

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 1 - A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the... More ››
 2 - A man is calling on his best friend to pay a condolence call the day after the friend's wife h... More ››
 3 - Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea? Pupil: Dead ?, I didn't even know he was sick !... More ››
 4 - An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father... More ››
 5 - A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field, until he noticed an em... More ››
 6 - A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased... More ››
 7 - This elderly Newfoundland fisherman is on his deathbed and summons his 3 sons to his bedside. "W... More ››
 8 - A chemist, a shopkeeper and a teacher were sentenced to death by firing squad. The chemist was t... More ››
 9 - A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the stre... More ››
 10 - Phoning the florist to order some flowers for her lover's funeral, woman was caught off guard wh... More ››
 11 - A chap went up to the counter in the library and said, "Have you got any books about committing... More ››
 12 - Sam was on his death bed, and his wife and children were gathered around him. Suddenly the arom... More ››
 13 - A man is fibbing away about how great things are in his country. Finally, he starts describing... More ››
 14 - Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and... More ››
 15 - "Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir," the ne... More ››
 16 - At the inquest into her husband's death by food poisoning Mrs Wally was asked by the coroner i... More ››
 17 - "Why are you crying Fred?" asked the teacher. " 'Cos my parrot died last night. I washed it in... More ››
 18 - There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey... More ››
 19 - A monster and a zombie went into a funeral home. 'I'd like to order a coffin for a friend of min... More ››
 20 - The man who was about to die said to the Sheriff, "Say, do I really have to die swinging from... More ››
 21 - A monster and a zombie went into the undertaker's. "I'd like to order a coffin for a friend of... More ››
 22 - A man was sitting in the electric chair. The executioner said, "Look, I'm sorry but I'm going to... More ››
 23 - Vampire 1: "I once went so long without fresh blood that I nearly died." Vampire 2: "How awful... More ››
 24 - Did you hear someone has invented a coffin that just covers the head? It's for people like you... More ››
 25 - What's the difference between a very old, shaggy Yeti and a dead bee? One's a seedy beast and... More ››
 26 - Teacher: If I had ten flies on my desk, and I swatted one, how many flies would be left? Girl:... More ››
 27 - Why did the cowboy die with his boots on ? Because he didn't want to stub his toe when he kicke... More ››
 28 - Did you hear about the undertaker who buried someone in the wrong place and was sacked for the... More ››
 29 - If a woman is born in Italy, grows up in England, goes to America and dies in Baltimore, what is... More ››
 30 - Did you hear about the do-it-yourself funeral? They just loosen the earth and you sink down by... More ››
 31 - Doctor, doctor, I'm at death's door! Don't worry, Mrs Jenkins. An operation will soon pull you... More ››
 32 - I've been e-mailing William Shakespeare. William Shakespeare's dead, silly. No wonder he hasn't... More ››
 33 - My brother's a professional boxer. Heavyweight ? No, featherweight. He tickles his opponents to d... More ››
 34 - When a knight in armour was killed in battle, what sign did they put on his grave ? Rust in pea... More ››
 35 - What is the difference between a musician and a dead body? One composes and the other decompos... More ››
 36 - If a man was born in England, raised in America and died in Spain, what does that make him? De... More ››
 37 - I was so sorry to hear you buried your mother last week. Well, we had to, you know, she was dea... More ››
 38 - Waiter, waiter! There's a dead fly in my soup. Oh no! Who's going to look after his family?... More ››
 39 - Why do you want to be buried at sea? Because my wife says she wants to dance on my grave.... More ››
 40 - Did you hear about the two men who were cremated at the same time? It was a dead heat.... More ››
 41 - Why did the monster take a dead man for a drive in his car? Because he was a car-case.... More ››
 42 - Doctor, doctor, I feel dead from the waist down. I'll arrange for you to be halfburied.... More ››
 43 - What are you doing? I'm trying to call Washington! Oh, haven't you heard? He's dead!... More ››
 44 - Did you hear about the man who left his job at the mortuary? It was a dead end job.... More ››
 45 - Question: What did the dead raccoon say in his will? Answer: "Leave it to Beaver."... More ››
 46 - What do you call a man who has been dead and buried for thousands of years? Pete.... More ››
 47 - Waiter, there's a fly in my soup ! Yes, it's the rotting meat that attracts them !... More ››
 48 - First ghoul: You don't look too well today. Second ghoul: No, I'm dead on my feet.... More ››
 49 - Why do cemeteries have fences around them? Because people are dying to get in.... More ››
 50 - What lies on the ground 100 feet up in the air and smells? A dead centipede.... More ››
 51 - Q: What is the definition of Death? A: When you stop paying taxes suddenly.... More ››
 52 - What is posthumous work ? Something written by someone after they are dead !... More ››
 53 - Why was George Washington buried at Mount Vernon ? Because he was dead !... More ››
 54 - What is the last thing you eat before you die? You bite the dust.... More ››
 55 - What did the little kid do with the dead battery? He buried it.... More ››
 56 - What kind of ghosts haunt operating theatres? Surgical spirits.... More ››
 57 - What's a zombie's favorite pop song? Dead sails in the sunset.... More ››
 58 - What has four legs, a tail, whiskers and flies? A dead cat.... More ››
 59 - What do you find in a zombie's veins? Dead blood corpuscles.... More ››
 60 - Where do ghosts go for their holidays? The Dead Sea.... More ››
 61 - How do you make a Venetian blind? Poke him in the eye... More ››
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