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MARRIAGE JOKES!

marriage JOKES (random)

A recent survey done by marriage experts shows that the most common form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words: "You're what?!?"

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THE COMPLETE LIST OF FUNNY marriage JOKES:

 1 - A biologist phones his wife from his office and says, "Honey, something has just come up, I re... More ››
 2 - A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymo... More ››
 3 - A jealous husband hires a private detective to check up on his wife. The husband tells the det... More ››
 4 - young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of t... More ››
 5 - A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one mor... More ››
 6 - A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long b... More ››
 7 - An Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife... More ››
 8 - Old Man On A Bench An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman notice... More ››
 9 - A little boy walked down the aisle at a wedding. As he made his way to the front, he would tak... More ››
 10 - A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. When he was slipping in an... More ››
 11 - For their 25th wedding anniversary, a man decides to take his wife on a trip to France. After... More ››
 12 - The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her husband. They were di... More ››
 13 - An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is a savage" on the blackboard an... More ››
 14 - A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get her... More ››
 15 - An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a... More ››
 16 - After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go... More ››
 17 - A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his fat... More ››
 18 - A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I... More ››
 19 - Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband kept under their bed. The box had be... More ››
 20 - A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediatel... More ››
 21 - "I bet you don't know what day this is", said the wife to her husband as he made his way out th... More ››
 22 - As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, wa... More ››
 23 - A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called... More ››
 24 - Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:... More ››
 25 - "Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me... More ››
 26 - An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb th... More ››
 27 - Husband: Oh, come on. Wife: Leave me alone! Husband: It won't take long. Wife: I won't be able to sl... More ››
 28 - Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed... More ››
 29 - A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upst... More ››
 30 - This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when... More ››
 31 - Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck... More ››
 32 - A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let you... More ››
 33 - The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. Th... More ››
 34 - Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. D... More ››
 35 - A couple decided that the only way to have a quickie while their ten-year- old son was in the... More ››
 36 - A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But... More ››
 37 - There were three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their... More ››
 38 - A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was... More ››
 39 - When Joe's wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that... More ››
 40 - A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end o... More ››
 41 - The newlyweds arrived at the front desk of the posh ocean-side resort in Hilton Head, South Ca... More ››
 42 - A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day.... More ››
 43 - A woman got a problem with her closet door - it was felling every time a bus was passing by. S... More ››
 44 - A man comes home and hears hard breathing female noises from inside the aprtment, walks inside... More ››
 45 - A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our sto... More ››
 46 - A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Fin... More ››
 47 - The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she... More ››
 48 - Not that my wife's the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had taken this temp wh... More ››
 49 - Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she bu... More ››
 50 - Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed. "What's wrong?" The depressed one r... More ››
 51 - A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his ye... More ››
 52 - A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and... More ››
 53 - A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he... More ››
 54 - The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used t... More ››
 55 - "Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoki... More ››
 56 - Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They say down on a ben... More ››
 57 - "The thrill is gone from my marriage," Brian told his best friend Mike. "Why not add some intr... More ››
 58 - A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed... More ››
 59 - The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you.... More ››
 60 - A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says,... More ››
 61 - A friend of mine told me he had signed up with one of these on-line dating services. I asked hi... More ››
 62 - During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. "Look, I'l... More ››
 63 - Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of... More ››
 64 - A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. Th... More ››
 65 - A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The... More ››
 66 - A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his... More ››
 67 - The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby.... More ››
 68 - They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking... More ››
 69 - One night, Peter was home watching TV when his wife entered the room and asked, "If I died, wo... More ››
 70 - The Yuppie showered a Yuppette with gifts for over a month. He took her to fancy restaurants a... More ››
 71 - A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas. Overnight, he has a fa... More ››
 72 - A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the... More ››
 73 - The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. "Elliot," she said... More ››
 74 - Larry's barn burned down, and Susan, his wife, called the insurance company ... Susan: We ha... More ››
 75 - It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner at the funeral procession. Tightening the leas... More ››
 76 - A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don... More ››
 77 - As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the t... More ››
 78 - At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 women: Defendant: "Your Honor, I wish... More ››
 79 - A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrin... More ››
 80 - A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a ce... More ››
 81 - "Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumble... More ››
 82 - A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He... More ››
 83 - A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage cou... More ››
 84 - Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why? Wife - When there is a... More ››
 85 - After the third day of a really torrid honeymoon, the young couple finally emerged from their ro... More ››
 86 - "Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you... More ››
 87 - In the midst of a veritable downpour, a gallant driver saw a woman alone in the mud trying to c... More ››
 88 - On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. "Would it be rig... More ››
 89 - The wedding was over, and the reception was in full swing. Dave an usher, was having a great tim... More ››
 90 - A guy is dating three women and can't decide which one to marry. He gives each $1,000 to see how... More ››
 91 - There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find... More ››
 92 - A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discuss... More ››
 93 - Miles Dobson was away from home on business in another city. When he called home, his wife tol... More ››
 94 - Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along. One day she said to him, "If it wasn't fo... More ››
 95 - After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace... More ››
 96 - My wife and I were watching some TV show the other nite where the wife hired a private detectiv... More ››
 97 - Jill tells her husband, "Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving... More ››
 98 - A mother and her child were at a wedding. A little boy looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why... More ››
 99 - At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of h... More ››
 100 - Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives. One signs to the other, boy was m... More ››
 101 - Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad... More ››
 102 - Returning from her vacation, the young secretary was telling anyone who would listen about what... More ››
 103 - The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being sworn in as American citiz... More ››
 104 - A student engineer in the office got engaged some time ago. At her wedding, I was reminding her... More ››
 105 - Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place. "It's just too h... More ››
 106 - "I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll neve... More ››
 107 - An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for... More ››
 108 - I know a husband and wife who have separate bedrooms, drive different cars, take separate vacat... More ››
 109 - At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her yo... More ››
 110 - Lee was known among his friends for the punctuality with which he sent his wife her alimony pay... More ››
 111 - A woman and her lover are on the bed in the woman's home, when all of a sudden, they hear the f... More ››
 112 - A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned h... More ››
 113 - A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"... More ››
 114 - An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture f... More ››
 115 - I've never been much on fashion, but got quite a few compliments on a new sports jacket I wore t... More ››
 116 - One of the bachelors in the apartment development sneaked up behind an older woman, covered her... More ››
 117 - A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.... More ››
 118 - The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've... More ››
 119 - A guy runs out of a Las Vegas hotel and says to a stranger, "Can you loan me two hundred bucks?... More ››
 120 - Two men were changing in the locker room after a game of tennis. One notices the other one is pu... More ››
 121 - A man happened to meet his ex-wife at a party, and after a few drinks, he suggested that they m... More ››
 122 - The angry wife met her husband at the door. His breath stunk of alcohol and his face was plaste... More ››
 123 - A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No." The man asked... More ››
 124 - A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her Father asked, "Does this fellow... More ››
 125 - A child at a Christian school was studying the early days of Mormonism in his class. He wrote... More ››
 126 - "Get this." said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a... More ››
 127 - Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears. "Oh Marie," she said to her maid, "I have reason to suspec... More ››
 128 - It's not what you say, but the way you say it. On a blind date, the boy said to the girl: "Time... More ››
 129 - After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by... More ››
 130 - "You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common," said the new tenant's neighbo... More ››
 131 - A rural Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife when he found her with a neighbor. Upon bei... More ››
 132 - A man took his wife to the doctors. After a short examination the doctor said "Your wife's mind... More ››
 133 - A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about thirty-se... More ››
 134 - A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, "I thought... More ››
 135 - A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach... More ››
 136 - Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman... More ››
 137 - A woman was in court charged with wounding her husband. "But why did you stab him over a hundred... More ››
 138 - In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of stea... More ››
 139 - Following a bitter divorce a husband saw his wife at a party and sneered, "You know, I was a fo... More ››
 140 - Some people ask the secret of Anthony's long marriage. They take time to go to a restaurant t... More ››
 141 - A wife was berating her husband. He motioned for her to quiet down saying, "Don't unleash the... More ››
 142 - A woman entered the hospital to deliver her 15th child. "Congratulations," said the nurse, "bu... More ››
 143 - Night. A sleeping couple is lying in a bed. Door bell rings. A couple wakes up. Woman: "Quick... More ››
 144 - A man calls his family doctor: man: Doctor, for the last week my wife has thought that she wa... More ››
 145 - A man was complaining to a friend. "I had it all. Money, a beautiful house, a BIG car, the love... More ››
 146 - "I was in a very generous mood today," a woman says to her friend. "I gave a poor beggar $25."... More ››
 147 - A person receives a telegram informing him about his mother-in-law's death. It also enquires w... More ››
 148 - Young Actor: Dad, guess what? I've just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man... More ››
 149 - Personally I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and Father... More ››
 150 - A man comes home early from work and finds his wife and his best friend in bed. The man throws... More ››
 151 - I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until... More ››
 152 - Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "... More ››
 153 - A lady with a large flowery hat was stopped at the church door by the usher. "Are you a friend... More ››
 154 - Two men were remembering their wedding days. "It was dreadful," said Fred. "I got the most terri... More ››
 155 - Wife: Who was that on the phone? Husband: Wrong number. Some guy thought this was the weather... More ››
 156 - "Oh love, what did you ever do to deserve a wife like me?" she said looking lovingly into her h... More ››
 157 - Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have marr... More ››
 158 - My wife sez that I'm too extravagant; that if anything ever happens to her, I'll have to beg. I... More ››
 159 - BARTENDER: I think you've had enough, sir. DRUNK: I just lost my wife, buddy! BARTENDER: Well, i... More ››
 160 - The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like moth... More ››
 161 - A little kid comes running into the backyard. He says, "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!"... More ››
 162 - But let's get real here guys, I mean who exactly are we kidding ? A husband controls his wife i... More ››
 163 - This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wi... More ››
 164 - In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar. Since then, weddings h... More ››
 165 - Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he ma... More ››
 166 - While creating Husbands, God promised Women that good and ideal Husbands would be found in all corne... More ››
 167 - A recent survey done by marriage experts shows that the most common form of marriage proposal... More ››
 168 - "Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician. "Nah," replied the mo... More ››
 169 - Wife, opening mail, to spouse: "The bank says that this is our last notice. Isn't it wonderful t... More ››
 170 - "And how's yer wife, Pat?" "Sure, she do be awful sick." "Is ut dangerous she is?" "No... More ››
 171 - We have a young married couple in the neighborhood who are truly inseparable. Last week, it too... More ››
 172 - A man brings his wife a glass of water and two aspirins. She looks surprised and says, I don't... More ››
 173 - Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers? A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, a... More ››
 174 - Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married. Every month the centerfol... More ››
 175 - You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday... More ››
 176 - If your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you, what have you usually done wrong? Ma... More ››
 177 - She was two thirds married once. What do you mean ? Well, she turned up, the Minster turned up,... More ››
 178 - Q: How do you know when you're at a hillbilly wedding? A: Everyone is sitting on the same side... More ››
 179 - Moe: My wife converted me to religion. Joe: Really? Moe: Yes. Until I married her I didn't belie... More ››
 180 - Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? A. Shoot... More ››
 181 - I've got trouble with the wife again - she came into the bar looking for me and I asked for he... More ››
 182 - Wife: "Do you think of me when you're away darling?" Husband: "Yes honey, I always bare you i... More ››
 183 - QUESTION: Do you know what is honeymoon? ANSWER: A short period of doting between dating and d... More ››
 184 - Today is my twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. Really? Yes, I've been married twenty-five time... More ››
 185 - QUESTION: What is honeymoon? ANSWER: That brief span of time between, "I do" and "You'd better... More ››
 186 - Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it... More ››
 187 - Both of my marriages have been disappointing. My first wife left me and my second one didn't.mar... More ››
 188 - QUESTION: Why should a honeymoon only be six days? ANSWER: Because seven days makes a whole week... More ››
 189 - What's the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.... More ››
 190 - Why is a bride always out of luck on her wedding day? Because she never marries the best man.... More ››
 191 - Husband: What do you love most, my natural beauty or my body? Wife: Your sense of humor.... More ››
 192 - What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.... More ››
 193 - Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring... Wedding ring... Suffering!!!... More ››
 194 - What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're married.... More ››
 195 - It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.... More ››
 196 - Q: How is a marriage like a hot bath? A: Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.... More ››
 197 - NOVICE: Do clever men make good husbands? SAGE: Clever men don't BECOME husbands!... More ››
 198 - What happened at the cannibal's wedding party? They toasted the bride and groom.... More ››
 199 - Marriage is a three ring circus: - Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.... More ››
 200 - Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.... More ››
 201 - Why did the 280-pound girl marry the 400-pound man? She wanted a big wedding.... More ››
 202 - Marriage is nature's way of preventing people from fighting with strangers.... More ››
 203 - When Mr. Maxwell's wife left him he couldn't sleep. "She took the bed!"... More ››
 204 - Losing a wife can be hard. In most cases, it is damned near impossible.... More ››
 205 - Q: What do you call two spiders who just got married? A: Newlywebs.... More ››
 206 - I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.... More ››
 207 - A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished.... More ››
 208 - Where did the burgers go after their wedding? On a bun-eymoon!... More ››
 209 - Hey, you just shot my wife. I'm so sorry, have a shot at mine !... More ››
 210 - John: "I'm a man of few words." Bill: "I'm married, too."... More ››
 211 - How do you turn a Fox into a Pit Bull? Marry her !... More ››
 212 - Why was the broom late ? It over swept !... More ››
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