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men JOKES (random)

There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety.
Ten were men; one was a woman.
They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die.
No one could decide who it should be.
Finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving things up for their husbands and children and giving in to men.
All of the men started clapping.

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 3 - What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.... More ››
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 5 - When do men insist that women are illogical? When a woman doesn't agree with them.... More ››
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 7 - Q: What are the three types of men? A: The handsome, the caring, and the majority.... More ››
 8 - One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the... More ››
 9 - A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table... More ››
 10 - There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying... More ››
 11 - One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him.... More ››
 12 - Brian was dating Lorraine and they were very close. While they were dating he met another woma... More ››
 13 - A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He showed her a stu... More ››
 14 - Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pinup model in her refrigerator t... More ››
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 17 - Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I g... More ››
 18 - Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her."... More ››
 19 - One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife... More ››
 20 - A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman... More ››
 21 - A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writin... More ››
 22 - Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them... More ››
 23 - Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away? 1) Get away or... More ››
 24 - Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? - Because a woman who can't affor... More ››
 25 - Q. Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a s... More ››
 26 - Q: Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call.... More ››
 27 - Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?... More ››
 28 - Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? A.... More ››
 29 - Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A. You... More ››
 30 - Q. How are men like television commercials? A. You can't believe a word either one of them says... More ››
 31 - How are men like carpet tiles? If you lay them properly the first time around, you can walk all... More ››
 32 - Q: What's the best way to kill a man? A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then... More ››
 33 - There are a lot of words you can use to describe men: strong, caring, loving. They'd be wrong,... More ››
 34 - Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat a... More ››
 35 - How many men does it take to make popcorn? Four, one to hold the pot, and three to act macho an... More ››
 36 - If a man says something in the middle of a forest, and there is no women around to hear him, is... More ››
 37 - What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still exci... More ››
 38 - Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder to "instruc... More ››
 39 - What does it mean to come home to a man who'll give you some love and tenderness? You're in the... More ››
 40 - Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship? A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-th... More ››
 41 - Anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend, either the car is new or the gir... More ››
 42 - How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don... More ››
 43 - Q: How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of t... More ››
 44 - Question: If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still... More ››
 45 - Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happ... More ››
 46 - Q. Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men? A. No phone num... More ››
 47 - Men are like bike helmets. They are handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look si... More ››
 48 - How many men does it take to open a beer? - None. It should be opened by the time she brings... More ››
 49 - Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? A. His wife is good at picking out clot... More ››
 50 - Q. How do men exercise on the beach? A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a biki... More ››
 51 - How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of th... More ››
 52 - Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer instead of on... More ››
 53 - Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? A. Put the remote control between his toes... More ››
 54 - Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom? A. Three, if you slice them very thinly.... More ››
 55 - How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? No one knows, it's never happened.... More ››
 56 - Why did God create a man before a women? You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.... More ››
 57 - Men are like vacuum cleaners. They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.... More ››
 58 - Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 1. No mind 2. No business.... More ››
 59 - Why don't women work as long and as hard as men in the office? They do it right first time.... More ››
 60 - Men are like animals: messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but they make great pets.... More ››
 61 - Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? A. Any place without a drive-up window.... More ››
 62 - How are men like noodles? They are always in hot water, they lack taste and they need dough.... More ››
 63 - Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers? A. So they can find their way back to the house.... More ››
 64 - A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.... More ››
 65 - Q: Why is it dangerous to let your man's mind wander? A: It's too little to be out alone.... More ››
 66 - Men are like old car tires. Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.... More ››
 67 - Men are like plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom... More ››
 68 - Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment? A mental hospital.... More ››
 69 - Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.... More ››
 70 - Q. What should you give a man who has everything? A. A woman to show him how to work it.... More ››
 71 - Why does a man only get half-hour lunch-breaks? So his boss doesn't have to retrain him.... More ››
 72 - Men are like power tools. They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.... More ››
 73 - Men are like soap operas. They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.... More ››
 74 - There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men: "don't" and "stop".... More ››
 75 - Men are like chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.... More ››
 76 - Question: How many men does it take to mop the floor? Answer: None, it's a women's job.... More ››
 77 - What do you do if your bank account stops working? Throw the guy out of the house.... More ››
 78 - Men are like curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.... More ››
 79 - Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship? A. Telling you his real name.... More ››
 80 - Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow.... More ››
 81 - Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.... More ››
 82 - What's a man idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.... More ››
 83 - How can you tell if a man is cheating on you? He has a bath more than once a month.... More ››
 84 - When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.... More ››
 85 - Q: What do you call a man who marries an old, ugly and poor woman? A: Desperate!... More ››
 86 - QUESTION: Why are lifesavers better than men? ANSWER: They come in five flavors.... More ››
 87 - Men are like remote controls. Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.... More ››
 88 - Men are like road kill. They usually just lie around until they start to smell.... More ››
 89 - Men are like mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.... More ››
 90 - What does a man consider to be a seven course meal? A hot dog and a six pack.... More ››
 91 - Men are like coffee. The best ones are rich, hot and can keep you up all night.... More ››
 92 - Men are like horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.... More ››
 93 - Men are like placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.... More ››
 94 - Men are like copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.... More ››
 95 - Q: How does a man keep his youth? A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.... More ››
 96 - Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A. A power failure.... More ››
 97 - What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift? Exchange him.... More ››
 98 - Men are like department stores. Their clothes should always be half off.... More ››
 99 - Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.... More ››
 100 - Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why.... More ››
 101 - Men are like coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.... More ››
 102 - Men are like plastic wrap. Cheap. Clingy. And very easy to see through.... More ››
 103 - Men are like pillows. Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.... More ››
 104 - Q. Why do men like love at first site? A. It saves them a lot of time.... More ››
 105 - What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower? A widower.... More ››
 106 - How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.... More ››
 107 - Men are like shag carpets. Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.... More ››
 108 - Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask directions.... More ››
 109 - What do you call a man who opens the car door for you? A chauffeur.... More ››
 110 - What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women.... More ››
 111 - Men are like computers. Hard to figure out and never enough memory.... More ››
 112 - Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence.... More ››
 113 - Where's the safest place to hide money from a man? Under the soap... More ››
 114 - Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.... More ››
 115 - Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease? A. Because they're all pigs.... More ››
 116 - Now do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head.... More ››
 117 - Why do men prefer blondes? Men always like intellectual company... More ››
 118 - Q: Why do men float better than women? A: Because they are scum.... More ››
 119 - What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.... More ››
 120 - Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.... More ››
 121 - Men are like government bonds. They take so long to mature.... More ››
 122 - What did God say after she made Eve? "Practice makes perfect."... More ››
 123 - Why did God create men first? Because we learn from mistakes.... More ››
 124 - How do you confuse a man? You don't - they're born that way.... More ››
 125 - Men don't get lost; they discover alternative destinations.... More ››
 126 - What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? Close the door.... More ››
 127 - Q. What do you call a handcuffed man? A. Trustworthy.... More ››
 128 - Q. How can you tell if a man is happy? A. Who cares?... More ››
 129 - Q. Why do men like smart women? A. Opposites attract.... More ››
 130 - Why do men act like idiots? Who says they're acting?... More ››
 131 - How do you lose fourteen stone of fat? Dump him.... More ››
 132 - Why are men like paper cups? They're disposable... More ››
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