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school JOKES (random)

The teacher was reviewing counting with her first-grade class.
"Jackie," she asked, "can you count to 10 without mistakes?" "Yes," said Jackie, and she did.
"Now, Fred," said the teacher, "can you count from 10 to 20?" "That depends," said Fred, "with or without mistakes"!

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 1 - Introductory Chemistry was taught at Duke University for many years by professor Bonk. One yea... More ››
 2 - Teacher: In what part of the world are the people most ignorant ? Pupil: Hong Kong Teacher: Wh... More ››
 3 - Teacher: I'll call you Fred Smith then. Pupil: My dad won't like that. Teacher: Why is that?... More ››
 4 - Teacher: What is the formula for water ? George: H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O Teacher: Is that the formul... More ››
 5 - Teacher: When you yawn, your supposed to put your hand to your mouth! Pupil: What?, and get b... More ››
 6 - Teacher: I wished you would pay a little attention Pupil: I'm paying as little as I can !... More ››
 7 - Teacher: Didn't you know the bell had gone? Fred: I didn't take it, Miss.... More ››
 8 - A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in,... More ››
 9 - A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his bo... More ››
 10 - A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because h... More ››
 11 - Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during... More ››
 12 - A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to cl... More ››
 13 - A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door,... More ››
 14 - One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rud... More ››
 15 - A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer... More ››
 16 - A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and... More ››
 17 - The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy... More ››
 18 - A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A do... More ››
 19 - "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. Aft... More ››
 20 - A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punish... More ››
 21 - 'Ann!' the teacher shouted one day at the girl who had been daydreaming out the window. 'If Indi... More ››
 22 - The teacher came up with a good problem. "Suppose," she asked the second-graders, "there were a... More ››
 23 - The teacher was giving her pupils a quiz on counting. Jackie got things started by counting fr... More ››
 24 - The teacher was reviewing counting with her first-grade class. "Jackie," she asked, "can you c... More ››
 25 - Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a bi... More ››
 26 - The teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student sleeping way up in the ba... More ››
 27 - A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy. So she said, "if you reached... More ››
 28 - Man: "How's your history paper coming?" Woman: "Well, my history professor suggested that I u... More ››
 29 - Teacher: If I gave you three rabbits today and five rabbits tomorrow, how many rabbits would you... More ››
 30 - "Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl. "Say, do you know who I am?" asked the... More ››
 31 - School Principal: I've called you into my office, Peter, because I want to talk to you about t... More ››
 32 - Teacher: Is Lapland heavily populated? Class: No, there are not many Lapps to the mile! Teache... More ››
 33 - The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought home. "The only consolat... More ››
 34 - A little kid's in school, taking a true-false test and he's flipping a coin. At the end of the... More ››
 35 - Principal: Do you do your homework? Kid: Now & Then Principal: Where do you do it? Kid: Here... More ››
 36 - 'I'm not going to school today,' Alexander said to his mother. 'The teachers bully me and the bo... More ››
 37 - Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?" Son: "I was the only one who could answer a que... More ››
 38 - "It's clear" said the teacher, "That you haven't studied your geography. What's your excuse?" "W... More ››
 39 - Teacher: Why have you got cotton wool in your ears, do you have an infection ? Pupil: Well you... More ››
 40 - Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph? Joseph: Because of a sign down the road. Teacher: What does a... More ››
 41 - The brain is a wonder ful thing Why do you say that ? Because it starts working the second you... More ››
 42 - Fred: I got 100 in school today. Mother: Wonderful. What did you get 100 in? Jason: Two things:... More ››
 43 - Dad, can you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem please? Don't tell me t... More ››
 44 - Mother: Did you enjoy the school outing, dear ? Jane: Yes, and we're going again tomorrow. Mot... More ››
 45 - If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?... More ››
 46 - Teacher: Can you count to 10? Fred: Yes, teacher-one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight... More ››
 47 - "Our teacher has a bad memory. For three days she asked us how much is two and two. We told her... More ››
 48 - Jackie stood quietly as her father examined her report card. "What is this 45 in math?" asked h... More ››
 49 - A history joke Teacher: When was Rome built? Pupil: At night. Teacher: Why did you say that? P... More ››
 50 - If I had five coconuts and I gave you three, how many would I have left ? I don't know. Why no... More ››
 51 - Teacher: How much is half of 8? Pupil: Up and down or across? Teacher: What do you mean? Pupil:... More ››
 52 - Fred came home from his first day at school. "Nothing exciting happened", he told his mother, "E... More ››
 53 - Teacher: You copies from Fred's exam paper didn't you? Pupil: How did you know? Teacher: Fred'... More ››
 54 - Teacher: How much is half of 8 Pupil: Up and down or across ? Teacher: What do you mean ? Pupil... More ››
 55 - An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: Some aliens from outer space bo... More ››
 56 - Teacher: If I lay one egg here and another there, how many eggs will there be? Fred: None! Fre... More ››
 57 - Pupil (on phone) : My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today. School Secr... More ››
 58 - Father: How were the exam questions? Son: Easy Father: Then why look so unhappy? Son: The que... More ››
 59 - Mother: What did you learn in school today Son: How to write Mother: What did you write? Son:... More ››
 60 - Teacher: Fred can you find me Australia on the map please ? Pupil: There it is Teacher: Now,... More ››
 61 - An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: Our furnace stopped working and... More ››
 62 - Father: How do you like going to school? Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit... More ››
 63 - Teacher : Give me a sentence with the words defence, defeat and detail in it. Pupil : When a ho... More ››
 64 - Teacher : Why are you the only child in the classroom today ? Pupil : Because I was the only on... More ››
 65 - Teacher : What are you doing, crawling into school ten minutes late ? Pupil : Well you told me... More ››
 66 - Teacher: This is the third time I've had to tell you off this week, what have you got to say a... More ››
 67 - Teacher: You seem very well read, have you read Shakespeare ? Pupil: No Teacher: What have yo... More ››
 68 - An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I didn't do it because I didn't... More ››
 69 - Teacher: If you have five haystacks in one corner, five in another and two in another, how many... More ››
 70 - Mother: How do you like your new teacher ? Son: I don't. She told me to sit up the front for th... More ››
 71 - Teacher: This is the third time I've had to tell you off this week, what have you got to say abo... More ››
 72 - Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning. Class: Hooray! Teacher: W... More ››
 73 - An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I was mugged on the way to scho... More ››
 74 - Teacher : Tommy, put some more water in the fish tank ! Pupil : Why, Miss, I only put some in y... More ››
 75 - How many schoolteachers does it take to change a light bulb? None. Anything not completed durin... More ››
 76 - Teacher: What's the longest word in the English language ? Pupil: Smiles - because there is a m... More ››
 77 - Teacher: Why didn't you answer me ? Pupil: I did, I shook my head Teacher: You don't expect me t... More ››
 78 - Pupil: My teacher was mad with me because I didn't know where the Rockies were. Mother: Well ne... More ››
 79 - Teacher, I can't solve this problem. Any five year old should be able to solve this one. No wond... More ››
 80 - Mother: How was your first day at school? Son: It was all right except for some man called "Tea... More ››
 81 - Teacher : The word politics - can you give me an example of how to use it ? Pupil : My parrot s... More ››
 82 - Teacher: Fred, I'm glad to see your writing has improved. Pupil: Thank you Teacher: Now I can... More ››
 83 - TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?" JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got m... More ››
 84 - An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I left it in my shirt and my mo... More ››
 85 - Boy to Friend: I'm sorry, I won't be able to go out after school. I promised Dad that I would st... More ››
 86 - Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions ? Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't... More ››
 87 - Did you hear what happened when there was an epidemic of laryngitis at school? The school nurs... More ››
 88 - Bad timing for an excuse Teacher: Why were you late? Pupil: Sorry, teacher, I overslept. Teach... More ››
 89 - Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions? Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't b... More ››
 90 - Teacher: That's quite a cough you have there, what are you taking for it ? Pupil: I don't know... More ››
 91 - Son: I can't go to school today. Father: Why not? Son: I don't feel well Teacher: Where don't... More ››
 92 - Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?" Sam: "I don't know." Teacher: "Bark, Sam... More ››
 93 - Teacher: That's quite a cough you have there, what are you taking for it? Pupil: I don't know t... More ››
 94 - Father: What did the teacher think of your idea? Son: She took it like a lamb Teacher: Really?... More ››
 95 - Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing? Pupil: No, teacher... More ››
 96 - Teacher: Johnny, you know you can't sleep in my class. Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just... More ››
 97 - Teacher : Can't you retain anything in your head overnight ? Pupil : Of course, I've had this c... More ››
 98 - Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4? Pupil: That's not fair! You answer the easy ones and... More ››
 99 - Why aren't you doing very well in history? Because the teacher keeps asking about things that hap... More ››
 100 - Teacher : What are you reading ? Pupil : I dunno ! Teacher : But you're reading aloud ! Pupil... More ››
 101 - Teacher : If you had five apples on your desk and the boy next to you took three what would you... More ››
 102 - Father: Well Son, how are your exam results ? Son: They're under water Father: What do you mean... More ››
 103 - Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best... More ››
 104 - I'm not going back to school ever again Why ever not? The teacher doesn't know a thing, all she... More ››
 105 - Teacher : Would you at the back of the room stop passing notes. Pupil : We're not passing notes... More ››
 106 - Great news, teacher says we have a test today come rain or shine. So what's so great about that?... More ››
 107 - Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow? Pupil: Yes, the... More ››
 108 - Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test! Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest ma... More ››
 109 - When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it remind him of an empty classroom? Because there a... More ››
 110 - An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I loaned it to a friend, but he... More ››
 111 - Our teacher talks to herself does yours ? Yes, but she does't realise it, she thinks we're actu... More ››
 112 - Teacher: Give me three reasons why the world is round Pupil: Well my dad says so, my mum says s... More ››
 113 - Teacher: Are you good at math ? Pupil: Yes and no Teacher: What do you mean ? Pupil: Yes, I'm... More ››
 114 - "Dad, can you write in the dark?" "I think so. What is it you want me to write?" "Your name on t... More ››
 115 - TEACHER: Jackie, take 932 from 1,439. What is the difference? Stella: That's what I say, what's... More ››
 116 - How are you doing in arithmetic ? I've learned to add up the zeros, but the numbers are still giv... More ››
 117 - Pupil: The art teacher doesn't like what I'm making ? Dad: Why is that, what are you making ?... More ››
 118 - Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I was mugged on the way to school and the mugger took eve... More ››
 119 - Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4? C... More ››
 120 - An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I put it in a safe, but lost th... More ››
 121 - Teacher: I'd like to go through one whole day without having to tell you off. Pupil: You have m... More ››
 122 - Teacher : In the exam you will be allowed 30 minutes for each question. Pupil : How long for th... More ››
 123 - Teacher : Why are you reading the last pages of your history book first ? Pupil: I want to know... More ››
 124 - Teacher: What is can't short for ? Pupil: Cannot miss Teacher: and what is don't short for Pup... More ››
 125 - Teacher: Are you good at math? Pupil: Yes and no Teacher: What do you mean? Pupil: Yes, I'm no... More ››
 126 - Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds there are in a year? Pupil: 12 - 2nd January, 2nd... More ››
 127 - Teacher: Did your parents help you with these homework problems? Pupil: No I got them all wrong... More ››
 128 - Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds there are in a year ? Pupil: 12 - 2nd January, 2nd F... More ››
 129 - Teacher: What's big and yellow and comes in the morning to brighten a mothers day? Pupil: The s... More ››
 130 - How many students does it take to change a light bulb? None. Light bulb changing isn't in the cou... More ››
 131 - Teacher : Billy, please don't whistle while studying. Billy : Oh, but I'm not studying - just w... More ››
 132 - Mother: Does your teacher like you ? Son: Like me, she loves me. Look at all those X's on my test... More ››
 133 - Art Teacher: The picture of the horse is good, but where is the wagon ? Pupil: The horse will d... More ››
 134 - Science teacher: What happened when electricity was first discovered? Fred: Someone got a nast... More ››
 135 - I failed every subject except for algebra. How did you keep from failing that? I didn't take a... More ››
 136 - Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Fred's test paper. Pupil: I hope you didn't see me... More ››
 137 - Teacher: What happened to your homework? Pupil: I made it into a paper plane and someone hijac... More ››
 138 - Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York harbour ? Pupil: Because it can't sit... More ››
 139 - Teacher : Tommy you try my patience ! Tommy: No, teacher you had better try mine. There's more of... More ››
 140 - Teacher: This note from your father looks like your handwriting ? Pupil: Well, yes, he borrowed m... More ››
 141 - Teacher: Why is the Mississippi such an unusual river? Pupil: Because it has four eyes and can'... More ››
 142 - Father: I hear you skipped school to play football Son: No I didn't, and I have the fish to pro... More ››
 143 - Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York harbour? Pupil: Because it can't sit... More ››
 144 - Mother: What was the first thing you learned in class? Daughter: How to talk without moving my... More ››
 145 - Fred: I've added these figures ten times. Teacher: Good work! Fred: And here are my ten answ... More ››
 146 - Are you in the top half of your class ? No, I'm one of the students who make the top half possi... More ››
 147 - Mother: What was the first thing you learned in class ? Daughter: How to talk without moving my l... More ››
 148 - Teacher: What time do you get up in the morning ? About an hour and a half after I arrived at s... More ››
 149 - Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is? Pupil: I expect it's around Hadrian's garden m... More ››
 150 - Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you? Son: Well you did say it was my lunch mo... More ››
 151 - Caspar: I was the teacher's pet last year. Jaspar: Why was that? Caspar: She couldn't afford a... More ››
 152 - Teacher : What is a comet ? Pupil : A star with a tail Teacher: Can you name one ? Pupil: Lassi... More ››
 153 - Teacher : What is the most common phrase used in school ? Pupil : I don't know Teacher: Correc... More ››
 154 - Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of Pupil: Life imprisonment... More ››
 155 - Did they play tennis in ancient Egypt? Yes, the bible tells how Joseph served in Pharoah's court!... More ››
 156 - Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea? Pupil: Dead?, I didn't even know he was sick!... More ››
 157 - Teacher: Why are you picking your nose in class ? Pupil: My mother won't let me do it at home !... More ››
 158 - Teacher: In 1940, what were the Poles doing in Russia ? Pupil: Holding up the telegraph lines !... More ››
 159 - What happens if you draw on the blackboard and the teacher told you not to? She draws a smack!... More ››
 160 - Father: You were absent on the day of the test? Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!... More ››
 161 - Teacher : Make up a sentence using the word lettuce ! Pupil : Let us out of school early !... More ››
 162 - Teacher: Can you tell me something important that didn't exist 100 years ago ? Pupil: Me !... More ››
 163 - An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: My little sister ate it!... More ››
 164 - Why were you late ? Sorry, teacher, I overslept. You mean you need to sleep at home too !... More ››
 165 - Little Monster: I hate my teacher. Mother Monster: Well just eat your salad up then dear!... More ››
 166 - Why do teachers use a bamboo cane? Because when the cane goes 'bam' the child goes boo!... More ››
 167 - Teacher: Why do you want to work in a bank, Alan? Fred: 'Cuz there's money in it, sir.... More ››
 168 - Teacher: Can anyone give me the name of a liquid that won't freeze ? Pupil: Hot water !... More ››
 169 - Be sure that you go straight home after school I can't, I live just round the corner !... More ››
 170 - Teacher : Were you copying his sums ? Pupil : No Sir, just seeing if he got mine right !... More ››
 171 - Teacher : What's happens to gold when it is exposed to the air ? Pupil : It's stolen !... More ››
 172 - Teacher: What's 2 and 2? Pupil: 4 Teacher: That's good. Pupil: Good?, that's perfect!... More ››
 173 - Teacher: What's 2 and 2 Pupil: 4 Teacher: That's good Pupil: Good ?, that's perfect !... More ››
 174 - What do you get when you add 2 apples to 3 apples? A senior high school math problem.... More ››
 175 - Teacher: How can you make so many mistakes in just one day ? Pupil: I get up early !... More ››
 176 - Teacher: Where is the English Channel ? Pupil: I don't know, my TV doesn't pick it up... More ››
 177 - Teacher: Didn't you hear me call you? Pupil: But you said not to answer you back!... More ››
 178 - Teacher: What can we do to stop polluting our waters ? Pupil: Stop taking baths ?... More ››
 179 - What's the worst thing you're likely to find in the school cafeteria? The food!... More ››
 180 - Teacher: You're new here aren't you, what's your name? Pupil: Fred Mickey Smith... More ››
 181 - Teacher: What came after the stone age and the bronze age? Pupil: The sausage!... More ››
 182 - Why was the headmaster worried? Because there were too many rulers in school!... More ››
 183 - What's the longest piece of furniture in the school? The multiplication table.... More ››
 184 - Teacher: In music, if "f" means "forte", what does "ff" mean ? Pupil: Eighty... More ››
 185 - Q. Why did the jellybean go to school? A. Because he wanted to be a smarty... More ››
 186 - Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher? He couldn't control his pupils!... More ››
 187 - What did you learn in school today? Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!... More ››
 188 - Q: What did one math book say to the other? A: Man I got a lot of problems!... More ››
 189 - What do French pupils say after finishing their school dinners ? Mercy !... More ››
 190 - Teacher: Does anyone know which month has 28 days ? Pupil: All of them !... More ››
 191 - Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn't you? Pupil: Not very much!... More ››
 192 - Teacher: What family does the octopus belong to? Pupil: Nobody I know!... More ››
 193 - Where did the pilgrims land when they came to America? On their feet!... More ››
 194 - Why did the teacher wear sunglasses? Because his class was so bright!... More ››
 195 - Playing truant from school is like a credit card Fun now, pay later !... More ››
 196 - Why did the teacher put the lights on? Because the class was so dim!... More ››
 197 - Where did all the cuts and blood come from? The school went on a trip!... More ››
 198 - What do history teachers make when they want to get together? Dates!... More ››
 199 - Teacher: What are the Great Plains? Pupil: 747, Concorde and F-16!... More ››
 200 - What's yellow, has wheels and lies on its back? A dead school bus!... More ››
 201 - My teacher reminds me of history She's always repeating herself!... More ››
 202 - Laugh and the class laughs with you. But you get detention alone !... More ››
 203 - What are you going to be when you get out of school? An old man!... More ››
 204 - What's black and white all over and difficult? An exam paper!... More ››
 205 - What was King Arthur's favourite game? Knights and crosses!... More ››
 206 - Where do children learn their ABC's ? At LMN-tary school !... More ››
 207 - The food in our school canteen is perfect. If your a bug!... More ››
 208 - What kind of food do maths teachers eat? Square meals!... More ››
 209 - How do bees get to school ? By school buzz !... More ››
 210 - Teacher: Name two pronouns? Pupil: Who? me?... More ››
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