1 - Introductory
Chemistry was taught at Duke
University for many years by professor Bonk.
One yea... More ››
2 - Teacher: In what part of the
world are the
people most ignorant ?
Pupil: Hong Kong
Teacher: Wh... More ››
3 - Teacher: I'll call you Fred Smith
Pupil: My dad won't like that.
Teacher: Why is that?... More ››
4 - Teacher: What is the formula for
Teacher: Is that the formul... More ››
5 - Teacher: When you yawn, your supposed to put
your hand to your mouth!
Pupil: What?, and get b... More ››
6 - Teacher: I wished you would pay a little
Pupil: I'm paying as little as I can !... More ››
7 - A mom
and dad were worried about their son
not wanting to learn math at the
school he was in,... More ››
8 - A school teacher injured his back and had to
plaster cast around the upper part of his bo... More ››
9 - A student called up his Mom one evening from
his college and asked her for some money, because h... More ››
10 - Sandy began a
job as an elementary school counselor and
she was eager to help. One
day during... More ››
11 - A college business
professor could not help
but notice that one of his students was late to
cl... More ››
12 - A student comes to a young
office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door,... More ››
13 - One day our
professor was discussing a
particularly complicated concept. A pre-med
student rud... More ››
14 - A teacher was giving a lesson on the
circulation of the
blood. Trying to make the matter clearer... More ››
15 - A
professor was giving a big test one day
to his students. He handed out all of
the tests and... More ››
16 - The children had all been photographed, and the
teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy... More ››
17 - A linguistics professor was lecturing to his
English class one
day. "In English," he said, "A do... More ››
18 - "If there are any idiots in the room, will they
please stand up"
said the sarcastic teacher. Aft... More ››
19 - A little girl came home from
said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punish... More ››
20 - 'Ann!' the teacher shouted one day at the
girl who had been daydreaming out the window. 'If Indi... More ››
21 - The teacher came up with a good problem.
"Suppose," she asked the second-graders, "there were a... More ››
22 - The
teacher was giving her pupils a quiz on
counting. Jackie got things
started by counting fr... More ››
23 - The
teacher was reviewing counting with her
first-grade class. "Jackie,"
she asked, "can you c... More ››
24 - Johnny comes back from school crying and says,
"Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a bi... More ››
25 - The teacher is droning away in the classroom
when he notices a student
sleeping way up in the ba... More ››
26 - A teacher was having
arithmetic to one little boy. So she said, "if you reached... More ››
27 - Man: "How's
your history paper
Woman: "Well, my history professor suggested that I u... More ››
28 - Teacher: If I gave you three
and five rabbits tomorrow, how many rabbits would you... More ››
29 - "Isn't the principal a
dummy!" said a boy
to a girl.
"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the... More ››
30 - School
Principal: I've called you into my
office, Peter, because I want to
talk to you about t... More ››
31 - Teacher: Is
Class: No, there are not many Lapps to the mile!
Teache... More ››
32 - The parents were very disappointed in the
grades that their son brought home. "The only consolat... More ››
33 - A little kid's in
school, taking a
true-false test and he's flipping a coin. At the end
of the... More ››
34 - Principal: Do you do
Now & Then
Principal: Where do you do it?
Kid: Here... More ››
35 - 'I'm not going to school today,' Alexander
said to his mother.
'The teachers bully me and the bo... More ››
36 - Mother: "Why are you home from school so
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a que... More ››
37 - "It's clear" said the teacher, "That you
haven't studied your geography. What's your excuse?" "W... More ››
38 - Teacher: Why have you got cotton wool in your
you have an infection ?
Pupil: Well you... More ››
39 - Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?
Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a... More ››
40 - The brain is a wonder ful thing
Why do you
say that ?
Because it starts working the second you... More ››
41 - Fred: I got 100 in school today.
Wonderful. What did you get 100 in?
Jason: Two things:... More ››
42 - Dad, can you
help me find the lowest common
denominator in this problem please?
Don't tell me t... More ››
43 - Mother: Did you
enjoy the school outing,
Jane: Yes, and we're going again tomorrow.
Mot... More ››
44 - If you had one dollar and you
father for another, how many dollars would you have?... More ››
45 - Teacher:
Can you count to 10?
teacher-one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight... More ››
46 - "Our teacher has a bad memory. For three days
she asked us how much
is two and two. We told her... More ››
47 - Jackie stood quietly as her father
her report card.
"What is this 45 in math?" asked h... More ››
48 - A history joke
Teacher: When was Rome
Pupil: At night.
Teacher: Why did you say that?
P... More ››
49 - If I had
five coconuts and I gave you
three, how many would I have left ?
I don't know.
Why no... More ››
50 - Teacher: How much is half of 8?
and down or across?
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil:... More ››
51 - Fred came home from his first day at school.
happened", he told his mother, "E... More ››
52 - Teacher: You copies from
Fred's exam paper
Pupil: How did you know?
Teacher: Fred'... More ››
53 - Teacher: How much is half of 8
Pupil: Up and
down or across ?
Teacher: What do you mean ?
Pupil... More ››
54 - An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
Pupil: Some aliens from outer space bo... More ››
55 - Teacher: If I lay one egg here and another
there, how many eggs will there be?
Fre... More ››
56 - Pupil (on phone) : My son has a bad cold and
won't be able to come to school today.
School Secr... More ››
57 - Father: How were the
Father: Then why look so unhappy?
Son: The que... More ››
58 - Mother: What did you learn in school
Son: How to write
Mother: What did you write?
Son:... More ››
59 - Teacher: Fred can you find me Australia on
the map please ?
Pupil: There it is
Teacher: Now,... More ››
60 - An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
Pupil: Our furnace stopped working and... More ››
61 - Father:
How do you like going to
Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit... More ››
62 - Teacher : Give
me a sentence with the words
defence, defeat and detail in it.
Pupil : When a ho... More ››
63 - Teacher : Why are you the only child in the
classroom today ?
Pupil : Because I was the only on... More ››
64 - Teacher : What are you doing,
school ten minutes late ?
Pupil : Well you told me... More ››
65 - Teacher: This is the third
time I've had
to tell you off this week, what have you got to say
a... More ››
66 - Teacher: You seem very well read, have you read
Teacher: What have yo... More ››
67 - An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your
Pupil: I didn't do it because I didn't... More ››
68 - Teacher: If you have five
haystacks in one
corner, five in another and two in another, how many... More ››
69 - Mother: How do you
like your new teacher
Son: I don't. She told me to sit up the front for th... More ››
70 - Teacher: This is the third time I've had to
tell you off this week, what have you got to say abo... More ››
71 - Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of
Teacher: W... More ››
72 - An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
Pupil: I was mugged on the way to scho... More ››
73 - Teacher : Tommy, put some more water in the
fish tank !
Pupil : Why, Miss, I only put some in y... More ››
74 - How
many schoolteachers does it take to
change a light bulb?
None. Anything not completed durin... More ››
75 - Teacher: What's the longest word in the
Pupil: Smiles - because there is a m... More ››
76 - Teacher: Why didn't you answer me ?
I did, I shook my head
Teacher: You don't expect me t... More ››
77 - Pupil: My teacher was mad with me because I
didn't know where the
Mother: Well ne... More ››
78 - Teacher, I can't solve this problem.
five year old should be able to solve this one.
No wond... More ››
79 - Mother: How was your first
Son: It was all right except for some man called "Tea... More ››
80 - Teacher : The word politics - can you give me
example of how to use it ?
Pupil : My parrot s... More ››
81 - Teacher: Fred, I'm glad to see your writing
Pupil: Thank you
Teacher: Now I can... More ››
82 - TEACHER: "Can anybody give an
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got m... More ››
83 - An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
Pupil: I left it in my shirt and my mo... More ››
84 - Boy to Friend: I'm sorry, I won't be able to
go out after school. I
promised Dad that I would st... More ››
85 - Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my
Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't... More ››
86 - Did you hear what
happened when there was
an epidemic of laryngitis at school? The school
nurs... More ››
87 - Bad timing for an excuse Teacher: Why
Pupil: Sorry, teacher, I overslept.
Teach... More ››
88 - Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my
Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't b... More ››
89 - Teacher: That's quite a
cough you have
there, what are you taking for it ?
Pupil: I don't know... More ››
90 - Son: I can't go to school today.
Son: I don't feel well
Teacher: Where don't... More ››
91 - Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a
Sam: "I don't know."
Teacher: "Bark, Sam... More ››
92 - Teacher: That's quite a cough you have
there, what are you taking for it?
Pupil: I don't know t... More ››
93 - Father: What did the
teacher think of your
Son: She took it like a lamb
Teacher: Really?... More ››
94 - Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me.
Are you having trouble hearing?
Pupil: No, teacher... More ››
95 - Teacher: Johnny, you know you can't sleep in
Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just... More ››
96 - Teacher : Can't you retain anything in your
head overnight ?
Pupil : Of course, I've had this c... More ››
97 - Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is
Pupil: That's not fair!
You answer the easy ones and... More ››
98 - Why aren't you doing very well in
Because the teacher keeps asking about things that hap... More ››
99 - Teacher : What are
you reading ?
I dunno !
Teacher : But you're reading aloud !
Pupil... More ››
100 - Teacher : If you had five apples on your desk
and the boy next to you
took three what would you... More ››
101 - Father: Well Son, how are your exam results
Son: They're under water
Father: What do you mean... More ››
102 - Teacher: Where is your homework?
lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best... More ››
103 - I'm not going back to school ever again
The teacher doesn't know a thing, all she... More ››
104 - Teacher : Would you at the
back of the room
stop passing notes.
Pupil : We're not passing notes... More ››
105 - Great news, teacher says we have a test today
come rain or shine.
So what's so great about that?... More ››
106 - Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass
but you've only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the... More ››
107 - Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this
Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest ma... More ››
108 - When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it
remind him of an empty classroom?
Because there a... More ››
109 - An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
Pupil: I loaned it to a friend, but he... More ››
110 - Our teacher
talks to herself does yours
Yes, but she does't realise it, she thinks we're actu... More ››
111 - Teacher: Give me three reasons
world is round
Pupil: Well my dad says so, my mum says s... More ››
112 - Teacher:
Are you good at math ?
Yes and no
Teacher: What do you mean ?
Pupil: Yes, I'm... More ››
113 - "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
so. What is it you want me to write?"
"Your name on t... More ››
114 - TEACHER: Jackie, take 932 from 1,439. What is
Stella: That's what I say, what's... More ››
115 - How are you doing in arithmetic ?
learned to add up the zeros, but the numbers are still giv... More ››
116 - Pupil: The
art teacher doesn't like what
I'm making ?
Dad: Why is that, what are you making ?... More ››
117 - Teacher: Where is your homework?
was mugged on the way to school and the mugger took eve... More ››
118 - Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you
to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4?
C... More ››
119 - An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
Pupil: I put it in a safe, but lost th... More ››
120 - Teacher: I'd like to go through one whole day
without having to tell
Pupil: You have m... More ››
121 - Teacher : In the exam you will be allowed 30
minutes for each question.
Pupil : How long for th... More ››
122 - Teacher : Why are you
reading the last
pages of your history book first ?
Pupil: I want to know... More ››
123 - Teacher: What is can't short for ?
Teacher: and what is don't short for
Pup... More ››
124 - Teacher: Are you good at math?
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil: Yes, I'm no... More ››
125 - Teacher:
Can anyone tell me how many
seconds there are in a year?
Pupil: 12 - 2nd January, 2nd... More ››
126 - Teacher: Did your parents help you
these homework problems?
Pupil: No I got them all wrong... More ››
127 - Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds
there are in a year ?
Pupil: 12 - 2nd January, 2nd F... More ››
128 - Teacher: What's big
and yellow and comes
in the morning to brighten a mothers day?
Pupil: The s... More ››
129 - How many students does it take to change a
None. Light bulb changing isn't in the cou... More ››
130 - Teacher : Billy, please don't whistle while
Billy : Oh, but I'm not studying - just w... More ››
131 - Mother: Does your teacher like you ?
Like me, she loves me. Look at all those X's on my test... More ››
132 - Art Teacher: The picture of the horse is good,
but where is the wagon ?
Pupil: The horse will d... More ››
133 - Science teacher: What happened when
electricity was first discovered?
Fred: Someone got a nast... More ››
134 - I
failed every subject except for
How did you keep from failing that?
I didn't take a... More ››
135 - Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at
Fred's test paper.
Pupil: I hope you didn't see me... More ››
136 - Teacher: What happened to your
Pupil: I made it into a paper plane and someone hijac... More ››
137 - Teacher: Why does the
statue of liberty
stand in New York harbour ?
Pupil: Because it can't sit... More ››
138 - Teacher : Tommy you try my patience !
No, teacher you had better try mine. There's more of... More ››
139 - Teacher: This note from your father looks like
your handwriting ?
Pupil: Well, yes, he borrowed m... More ››
140 - Teacher: Why is the Mississippi
Pupil: Because it has four eyes and can'... More ››
141 - Father: I hear you skipped school
Son: No I didn't, and I have the fish to pro... More ››
142 - Teacher: Why
does the statue of liberty
stand in New York harbour?
Pupil: Because it can't sit... More ››
143 - Mother: What
was the first thing you
learned in class?
Daughter: How to talk without moving my... More ››
144 - Fred: I've
added these figures ten times.
Teacher: Good work!
Fred: And here are my ten answ... More ››
145 - Are you in
the top half of your class
No, I'm one of the students who make the top half possi... More ››
146 - Mother: What was the first thing you learned in
Daughter: How to talk without moving my l... More ››
147 - Teacher: What time do you get up in the morning
About an hour and a half after I arrived at s... More ››
148 - Teacher: Who can tell me where
Pupil: I expect it's around Hadrian's garden m... More ››
149 - Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch mo... More ››
150 - Caspar: I was the teacher's pet last
Jaspar: Why was that?
Caspar: She couldn't afford a... More ››
151 - Teacher : What is a comet ?
Pupil : A star
with a tail
Teacher: Can you name one ?
Pupil: Lassi... More ››
152 - Teacher : What is the most common phrase used
in school ?
Pupil : I don't know
Teacher: Correc... More ››
153 - Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest
sentence you can think of
Pupil: Life imprisonment... More ››
154 - Did they play tennis in ancient Egypt?
the bible tells how Joseph served in Pharoah's court!... More ››
155 - Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead
Pupil: Dead?, I didn't even know he was sick!... More ››
156 - Teacher: Why are you picking your
Pupil: My mother won't let me do it at home !... More ››
157 - Teacher: In 1940, what were the Poles doing in
Pupil: Holding up the telegraph lines !... More ››
158 - What happens if you draw on the blackboard and
teacher told you not to?
She draws a smack!... More ››
159 - Father: You were absent on the day of the
Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!... More ››
160 - Teacher : Make up a sentence using the word
Pupil : Let us out of school early !... More ››
161 - Teacher: Can you tell me something important
didn't exist 100 years ago ?
Pupil: Me !... More ››
162 - An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your
Pupil: My little sister ate it!... More ››
163 - Why were you late ?
Sorry, teacher, I
You mean you need to sleep at home too !... More ››
164 - Little Monster: I hate my teacher.
Monster: Well just eat your salad up then dear!... More ››
165 - Why do teachers
use a bamboo
Because when the cane goes 'bam' the child goes boo!... More ››
166 - Teacher: Why do you want to
work in a bank,
Fred: 'Cuz there's money in it, sir.... More ››
167 - Teacher: Can anyone give me the name of a
liquid that won't freeze
Pupil: Hot water !... More ››
168 - Be sure that you go
straight home after
I can't, I live just round the corner !... More ››
169 - Teacher : Were you copying his sums ?
: No Sir, just seeing if he got mine right !... More ››
170 - Teacher : What's happens to gold
is exposed to the air ?
Pupil : It's stolen !... More ››
171 - Teacher: What's 2 and 2?
Teacher: That's good.
Pupil: Good?, that's perfect!... More ››
172 - Teacher: What's 2 and 2
Teacher: That's good
Pupil: Good ?, that's perfect !... More ››
173 - What do you get when
you add 2 apples to 3
apples? A senior high school math problem.... More ››
174 - Teacher: How can you make so many mistakes in
one day ?
Pupil: I get up early !... More ››
175 - Teacher: Where is the English Channel
Pupil: I don't know, my TV doesn't pick it up... More ››
176 - Teacher: Didn't you hear me call
Pupil: But you said not to answer you back!... More ››
177 - Teacher: What can we do to stop polluting
our waters ?
Pupil: Stop taking baths ?... More ››
178 - What's the worst thing you're likely to
find in the school cafeteria?
The food!... More ››
179 - Teacher: You're new
here aren't you,
what's your name?
Pupil: Fred Mickey Smith... More ››
180 - Teacher: What came after the stone age and the
Pupil: The sausage!... More ››
181 - Why was the headmaster
there were too many rulers in school!... More ››
182 - What's the longest piece of furniture in the
school? The multiplication table.... More ››
183 - Teacher: In music, if "f" means
what does "ff" mean ?
Pupil: Eighty... More ››
184 - Q. Why did the jellybean go to
A. Because he wanted to be a smarty... More ››
185 - Did you hear about the cross eyed
He couldn't control his pupils!... More ››
186 - Teacher: Didn't you know the
Fred: I didn't take it, Miss.... More ››
187 - What did you learn in school today?
enough, I have to go back tomorrow!... More ››
188 - Q: What did one math book say to the
A: Man I got a lot of problems!... More ››
189 - What
do French pupils say after finishing
their school dinners ?
Mercy !... More ››
190 - Teacher: Does anyone know which month has 28
Pupil: All of them !... More ››
191 - Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn't
Pupil: Not very much!... More ››
192 - Teacher: What family does the octopus belong
Pupil: Nobody I know!... More ››
193 - Where did the pilgrims land when they came to
On their feet!... More ››
194 - Why did the teacher
Because his class was so bright!... More ››
195 - Playing truant from school
is like a credit
Fun now, pay later !... More ››
196 - Why did the teacher put the
Because the class was so dim!... More ››
197 - Where did all the cuts and blood come
The school went on a trip!... More ››
198 - What do history teachers make when they want to
Dates!... More ››
199 - Teacher: What are
Pupil: 747, Concorde and F-16!... More ››
200 - What's yellow, has wheels and lies on its
A dead school bus!... More ››
201 - My teacher reminds me of
always repeating herself!... More ››
202 - Laugh and the class laughs with you.
get detention alone !... More ››
203 - What are you going to be when you get out of
An old man!... More ››
204 - What's black and white all over and
An exam paper!... More ››
205 - What was King Arthur's favourite
Knights and crosses!... More ››
206 - Where do children learn their ABC's ?
LMN-tary school !... More ››
207 - The food in our school canteen is
If your a bug!... More ››
208 - What kind of food do maths teachers
Square meals!... More ››
209 - How do bees get to
buzz !... More ››
210 - Teacher: Name two pronouns?
Pupil: Who? me?... More ››