1 - A tourist is sightseeing in
a European city.
She comes upon the tomb of Beethoven, and begins... More ›› 2 - Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and
a Rolling
Stone?
A: A Rolling Stone says "hey... More ›› 3 - Person 1: It must be terrible for an
opera singer to
realize that he can never sing again.
Pers... More ›› 4 - Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a
javelin
blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very... More ›› 5 - Q: What do you get if Bach dies and is
reincarnated as twins?
A: A pair of Re-bachs.... More ›› 6 - Q:
What do you call a person who plays the
viola?
A: A violator.... More ›› 7 - Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies
first, he will contact the other and tell him what... More ›› 8 - When a young hotshot conductor was making his
debut at
the Met, he showed the jaded and skeptica... More ›› 9 - A violist comes
home late at night to
discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking
crater... More ›› 10 - A down and out musician was playing his
harmonica in the middle of a busy shopping mall. Stridin... More ›› 11 - Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed
an
autograph book by a fan while in the greenro... More ›› 12 - A musician calls the orchestra office,
asks
for the conductor, and is told that he is dead.
T... More ›› 13 - "Haven't I
seen your face before?" a judge
demanded, looking down at the
defendant.
"You ha... More ›› 14 - Q. If you were lost in
the woods, who would
you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe
playe... More ›› 15 - Q: If you were out in the woods, who would you
trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player... More ›› 16 - Fritz Kriesler and Rachmaninov had a
recital
in Carnegie Hall once. In the middle of the music,... More ›› 17 - Q: How many bassoonists does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they'll insist... More ›› 18 - Q: Two musicians are walking down the street, and
one
says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I... More ›› 19 - Q: What is the difference between a lawnmower
and a soprano sax?
A: You can tune the lawnmower... More ›› 20 - Q. What's the difference
between a
lawnmower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawnmower, and... More ›› 21 - Did you hear about the classical pianist who was
not a good speller? When she went out to buy so... More ›› 22 - Q. What's the difference between a
dead
bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the ro... More ›› 23 - Q: Why can't you hear a
viola on a digital
recording?
A: Recording technology has reached such... More ›› 24 - Q: Mom,
why do you always stand by the
window when I practice for my singing
lessons?
A: I do... More ›› 25 - A violist and a cellist were standing on a
sinking ship together.
"Help!" cried the cellist,... More ›› 26 - 1st
man: "My neighbors were screaming and
yelling at three o'clock this
morning!"
2nd man: "D... More ›› 27 - Q: How many lead trumpet
players does it
take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty. One to do it an... More ›› 28 - Q: How many alto sax
players does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to handle the bu... More ›› 29 - Q: How many
bass players does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to change it, five to... More ›› 30 - Q: When a 16-inch
viola and a 17-inch viola
are dropped simultaneously from a 30-story
buildin... More ›› 31 - Q: How many folk musicians does it take to
change a
light bulb?
A: Seven; one to change and the... More ›› 32 - Q: What do
you do with percussionists that
lose one of their drumsticks?
A: Stick them up front... More ›› 33 - One day the bass player hid one of the
drummer's sticks.
The drummer said, "finally! After bein... More ›› 34 - Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it
take
to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it... More ›› 35 - Q: How many musicians does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to tu... More ›› 36 - Q: Why are violas so large?
A: It is an
optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large, jus... More ›› 37 - Q: There is a frog driving
east and a
trombonist walking west. What can be surmised from this?... More ›› 38 - Q: Why shouldn't violists take
up
mountaineering?
A: Because if they get lost, it takes ages be... More ›› 39 - Q: Dad, why do the singers rock left and right
while performing on stage?
A: Because, son, it i... More ›› 40 - An eight-year-old kid says
t his dad, "When
I grow up, I want to be a musician."
The dad says,... More ›› 41 - Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse,
but has the courage to get on again and continue r... More ›› 42 - Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect
pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a... More ›› 43 - Q: Why is the banjo player a fiddle player's
best
friend?
A: Without him, the fiddle would be t... More ›› 44 - Why did the boy who rode his bike over a barbed
wire fence miss his music lesson?
Because he'd... More ›› 45 - Q: Why is it good that accordionists have
a
half-ounce more brains than horses?
A: So they don'... More ›› 46 - Do you think, Professor, that my
wife should
take up the piano as a career?
No, I think she sh... More ›› 47 - Q: What is the difference between
a banjo
and a South American Macaw?
A: One is loud, obnoxious... More ›› 48 - Q: What's the difference between trumpet
players and government bonds?
A: Government bonds even... More ›› 49 - Q: What's the
definition of perfect
pitch?
A: When an accordion is thrown down the toilet witho... More ›› 50 - Q: What is the difference between a viola and a
trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before y... More ›› 51 - Q: Did you hear about the drummer who locked his
keys in his car?
A: It took him four hours to... More ›› 52 - Q: How many
bass players does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: None. The piano player can do... More ›› 53 - Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an
anchor?
A: You tie a rope to an anchor before... More ›› 54 - Q: How do
you make a trombone sound like a
french horn?
A: Stick your hand in the bell and play... More ›› 55 - Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the
timpanist?
A: He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the b... More ›› 56 - Q:
How many bass players does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Only one - but the guitarist h... More ›› 57 - Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at
the door?
A: He can't find the key and doesn't k... More ›› 58 - Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you
please.
Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no... More ›› 59 - Q: How can you tell someone
is a true music
lover?
A: When they even put their ear up to the ba... More ›› 60 - Q: What is the definition of a Soviet
String
Quartet?
A: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a to... More ›› 61 - Q: Why are orchestra intermissions
only
twenty minutes long?
A: So the violists don't need to b... More ›› 62 - Q: What's the difference
between an onion
and an accordion?
A: No-one cries when you chop up an... More ›› 63 - Q: How many drummers does it take
to change
a lightbulb?
A: None. They have a machine that doe... More ›› 64 - Why did the music student have a piano in the
bathroom?
Because he was practicing Handel's Wat... More ›› 65 - Q: What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so
the
saplings won't blow away?
A: Root position... More ›› 66 - Q: How do you make a violin sound
like a
viola?
A: Play in the low register with a lot of wrong... More ›› 67 - Q: What is the difference between a trombone and
a trumpet?
A: A trombone will bend before it b... More ›› 68 - Q: What's the only thing worse than a
bagpiper?
A: Good question. We're still trying to find ou... More ›› 69 - Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their
dashboards?
A. So they can park in handicapped... More ›› 70 - Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an
Uzi submachine gun?
A: An Uzi only repeats 40... More ›› 71 - Q: What
is the difference between a cello
and a coffin?
A: The coffin has the corpse on the ins... More ›› 72 - Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the
three
piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please r... More ›› 73 - Q: What is the difference between a trumpet
soloist and King Kong?
A: King Kong is more sensiti... More ›› 74 - Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the
three piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please ri... More ›› 75 - Q: What's the inscription on
dead
blues-singers tombstones?
A: "I didn't wake up this morning.... More ›› 76 - Q: What
is the difference between the first
and last desk of a viola section?
A: Half a measure... More ›› 77 - Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian
soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
A: About 10 pounds... More ›› 78 - Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A:
One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!... More ›› 79 - Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit
have in
common?
A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.... More ›› 80 - Q: What is the difference between a banjo
and a chain saw?
A: A chain saw has a dynamic range.... More ›› 81 - Q: What's the difference between a violist and
a
dressmaker?
A: A dressmaker tucks up frills.... More ›› 82 - Q: How do you get a viola section to play
spiccato?
A: Write a whole note with "solo" above it.... More ›› 83 - Q: What is the difference
between a violist
and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.... More ›› 84 - Q: Why do drummers always
have trouble
entering a room ?
A: They never know when to come in.... More ›› 85 - Q: What is the difference between a dog and a
viola?
A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.... More ›› 86 - Q: What happens if you sing country music
backwards?
A: You get your job and your wife back.... More ›› 87 - Q: What do you call the
folks who hang
around the musicians at conservatories?
A: Violists.... More ›› 88 - Q: How is lightning like a violist's
fingers?
A: Neither one strikes in the same place twice.... More ›› 89 - Q: What's the difference between a
chainsaw
and an accordion?
A: A chainsaw can be tuned.... More ›› 90 - Q: How do you know if there is a drummer at your
door?
A: The knocking always speeds up.... More ›› 91 - Q: What will you never say about a
banjo
player?
A: That's the banjo player's porsche.... More ›› 92 - Q:
What is the difference between a saxophone
and a chainsaw?
A: It's all in the grip.... More ›› 93 - Q: How can you tell when a tenor is really
stupid?
A: When the other tenors notice.... More ›› 94 - Q: How do you
know when a trumpet player is
at your door?
A: The doorbell shrieks!... More ›› 95 - Q: Why does a viola burn longer than a
violin?
A: It is usually still in the case.... More ›› 96 - Q: What's the definition of a nerd?
A:
Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet.... More ›› 97 - Knock Knock
Who's there !
Bassoon
!
Bassoon who ?
Bassoon things will be better !... More ›› 98 - Q: Why are conductors' hearts popular for
transplants?
A: They've had little use.... More ›› 99 - Q: How do you make a violin sound like a
viola?
A: Sit in the back and don't play.... More ›› 100 - Q: What is the difference between a violin and a
viola?
A: A viola burns longer.... More ›› 101 - Q: Why is a violinist
like a Scud
missile?
A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.... More ›› 102 - Q. Why
did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.... More ›› 103 - Q: How can you tell the difference between all
the banjo songs?
A: By their names.... More ›› 104 - Q: What is the best recording of the Walton
viola concerto?
A: Music Minus One.... More ›› 105 - Q: What's the range of an
accordion?
A:
Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!... More ›› 106 - Q: How do know a
clarinet player is playing
loud?
A: You can almost hear them.... More ›› 107 - Knock Knock
Who's there !
Bass !
Bass
who ?
Bass the salt and pepper please !... More ›› 108 - Q: Why don't violists play hide and seek?
A:
Because no one will look for them.... More ›› 109 - Q. What's the definition
of a quarter tone?
A. A bagpiper tuning his drones.... More ›› 110 - Knock Knock
Who's there !
Beethoven
!
Beethoven who ?
Beethoven is too hot !... More ›› 111 - Q: What do you get if you cross a lamp with a
violin?
A: You get light music.... More ›› 112 - Hey buddy.
How late does the band
play?
About half a beat behind the drummer.... More ›› 113 - Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a
mine shaft?
A: A flat minor.... More ›› 114 - Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth
control?
A: Their personality.... More ›› 115 - Q: What is the definition of an optimist?
A:
An accordion player with a pager.... More ›› 116 - Q: What is the definition
of a major
seventh?
A: A violist playing octaves.... More ›› 117 - Q: What do you get when you play a new age song
backwards?
A: A new age song.... More ›› 118 - Q: How do you protect a valuable
instrument?
A: Hide it in an accordion case.... More ›› 119 - Q: What
is the missing link between the bass
and the ape?
A: The baritone.... More ›› 120 - Q: How do you get a
cellist to play
fortissimo?
A: Write 'pp, espressivo'.... More ›› 121 - Q: What is the range of a tuba?
A: Twenty
yards if you've got a good arm.... More ›› 122 - Q: Why do bagpipers
walk when they
play?
A: To get away from the noise.... More ›› 123 - Q: Why did the boy bring a ladder to
chorus?
A: He wanted to sing higher!... More ›› 124 - A saxophone is like a lawsuit.
Everyone is
happy when the case is closed.... More ›› 125 - Q: Which positions
does a violist use?
A:
First, third, and emergency.... More ›› 126 - Q: Why did the Boy Scout take up the
banjo?
A: They make good paddles.... More ›› 127 - What's musical and
holds gallons and
gallons of beer?
A barrel organ.... More ›› 128 - Q: How do you get 2 piccolos to play a
perfect unison?
A: Shoot one.... More ›› 129 - Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of
tune?
A: The bow is moving.... More ›› 130 - Q: Why don't they know where Mozart is
buried?
A: Because he's Haydn!... More ›› 131 - Q: Why
do so many fishermen own
banjos?
A: They make great anchors!... More ›› 132 - When is the water in the shower room musical?
When it's piping hot.... More ›› 133 - Q: How do you get a clarinet player to play
louder?
A: You can't!... More ›› 134 - What do you call a mammoth who conducts an
orchestra?
Tuskanini.... More ›› 135 - Q: What's musical and handy in a
supermarket?
A: A Chopin Liszt.... More ›› 136 - What is musical and
handy in the
supermarket.
A Chopin Lizst.... More ›› 137 - Tuba Player: Did you hear
my last
recital?
Friend: I hope so.... More ›› 138 - Q: What's an accordion good for?
A: Learning
how to fold a map.... More ›› 139 - Q: What do you call a male quartet?
A: Three
men and a tenor.... More ›› 140 - Q: Why does everyone hate a banjo
right
off?
A: Saves time.... More ›› 141 - Knock Knock
Who's there !
Bach !
Bach
who ?
Bach to work!... More ›› 142 - Q.How is a heart like a musician?
A.They both
have a beat :)... More ›› 143 - Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
A. Drool.... More ›› 144 - Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
A: With a
"tuba glue."... More ›› 145 - Why did they arrest the musician?
He got
into treble.... More ›› 146 - How do you
make a bandstand?
Take away
their chairs... More ›› |
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