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MUSIC JOKES!

music JOKES (random)

A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned the house down." The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?"

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THE COMPLETE LIST OF FUNNY music JOKES:

 1 - A tourist is sightseeing in a European city. She comes upon the tomb of Beethoven, and begins... More ››
 2 - Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone? A: A Rolling Stone says "hey... More ››
 3 - Person 1: It must be terrible for an opera singer to realize that he can never sing again. Pers... More ››
 4 - Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? A. You don't have to be very... More ››
 5 - Q: What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins? A: A pair of Re-bachs.... More ››
 6 - Q: What do you call a person who plays the viola? A: A violator.... More ››
 7 - Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what... More ››
 8 - When a young hotshot conductor was making his debut at the Met, he showed the jaded and skeptica... More ››
 9 - A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater... More ››
 10 - A down and out musician was playing his harmonica in the middle of a busy shopping mall. Stridin... More ››
 11 - Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenro... More ››
 12 - A musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is told that he is dead. T... More ››
 13 - "Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant. "You ha... More ››
 14 - Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe playe... More ››
 15 - Q: If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player... More ››
 16 - Fritz Kriesler and Rachmaninov had a recital in Carnegie Hall once. In the middle of the music,... More ››
 17 - Q: How many bassoonists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but they'll insist... More ››
 18 - Q: Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I... More ››
 19 - Q: What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax? A: You can tune the lawnmower... More ››
 20 - Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe? A. You can tune the lawnmower, and... More ››
 21 - Did you hear about the classical pianist who was not a good speller? When she went out to buy so... More ››
 22 - Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the ro... More ››
 23 - Q: Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording? A: Recording technology has reached such... More ››
 24 - Q: Mom, why do you always stand by the window when I practice for my singing lessons? A: I do... More ››
 25 - A violist and a cellist were standing on a sinking ship together. "Help!" cried the cellist,... More ››
 26 - 1st man: "My neighbors were screaming and yelling at three o'clock this morning!" 2nd man: "D... More ››
 27 - Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Fifty. One to do it an... More ››
 28 - Q: How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five. One to handle the bu... More ››
 29 - Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to change it, five to... More ››
 30 - Q: When a 16-inch viola and a 17-inch viola are dropped simultaneously from a 30-story buildin... More ››
 31 - Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven; one to change and the... More ››
 32 - Q: What do you do with percussionists that lose one of their drumsticks? A: Stick them up front... More ››
 33 - One day the bass player hid one of the drummer's sticks. The drummer said, "finally! After bein... More ››
 34 - Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it... More ››
 35 - Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to tu... More ››
 36 - Q: Why are violas so large? A: It is an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large, jus... More ››
 37 - Q: There is a frog driving east and a trombonist walking west. What can be surmised from this?... More ››
 38 - Q: Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering? A: Because if they get lost, it takes ages be... More ››
 39 - Q: Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage? A: Because, son, it i... More ››
 40 - An eight-year-old kid says t his dad, "When I grow up, I want to be a musician." The dad says,... More ››
 41 - Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue r... More ››
 42 - Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch? A. He can throw a set into the middle of a... More ››
 43 - Q: Why is the banjo player a fiddle player's best friend? A: Without him, the fiddle would be t... More ››
 44 - Why did the boy who rode his bike over a barbed wire fence miss his music lesson? Because he'd... More ››
 45 - Q: Why is it good that accordionists have a half-ounce more brains than horses? A: So they don'... More ››
 46 - Do you think, Professor, that my wife should take up the piano as a career? No, I think she sh... More ››
 47 - Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw? A: One is loud, obnoxious... More ››
 48 - Q: What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? A: Government bonds even... More ››
 49 - Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch? A: When an accordion is thrown down the toilet witho... More ››
 50 - Q: What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes before y... More ››
 51 - Q: Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car? A: It took him four hours to... More ››
 52 - Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The piano player can do... More ››
 53 - Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor? A: You tie a rope to an anchor before... More ››
 54 - Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? A: Stick your hand in the bell and play... More ››
 55 - Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist? A: He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the b... More ››
 56 - Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one - but the guitarist h... More ››
 57 - Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door? A: He can't find the key and doesn't k... More ››
 58 - Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you please. Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no... More ››
 59 - Q: How can you tell someone is a true music lover? A: When they even put their ear up to the ba... More ››
 60 - Q: What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet? A: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a to... More ››
 61 - Q: Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long? A: So the violists don't need to b... More ››
 62 - Q: What's the difference between an onion and an accordion? A: No-one cries when you chop up an... More ››
 63 - Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. They have a machine that doe... More ››
 64 - Why did the music student have a piano in the bathroom? Because he was practicing Handel's Wat... More ››
 65 - Q: What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away? A: Root position... More ››
 66 - Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola? A: Play in the low register with a lot of wrong... More ››
 67 - Q: What is the difference between a trombone and a trumpet? A: A trombone will bend before it b... More ››
 68 - Q: What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper? A: Good question. We're still trying to find ou... More ››
 69 - Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards? A. So they can park in handicapped... More ››
 70 - Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an Uzi submachine gun? A: An Uzi only repeats 40... More ››
 71 - Q: What is the difference between a cello and a coffin? A: The coffin has the corpse on the ins... More ››
 72 - Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit? A: Will the defendant please r... More ››
 73 - Q: What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? A: King Kong is more sensiti... More ››
 74 - Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit? A: Will the defendant please ri... More ››
 75 - Q: What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones? A: "I didn't wake up this morning.... More ››
 76 - Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section? A: Half a measure... More ››
 77 - Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor? A: About 10 pounds... More ››
 78 - Q: What's the definition of a gentleman? A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!... More ››
 79 - Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.... More ››
 80 - Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? A: A chain saw has a dynamic range.... More ››
 81 - Q: What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker? A: A dressmaker tucks up frills.... More ››
 82 - Q: How do you get a viola section to play spiccato? A: Write a whole note with "solo" above it.... More ››
 83 - Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist? A: Terrorists have sympathizers.... More ››
 84 - Q: Why do drummers always have trouble entering a room ? A: They never know when to come in.... More ››
 85 - Q: What is the difference between a dog and a viola? A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.... More ››
 86 - Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards? A: You get your job and your wife back.... More ››
 87 - Q: What do you call the folks who hang around the musicians at conservatories? A: Violists.... More ››
 88 - Q: How is lightning like a violist's fingers? A: Neither one strikes in the same place twice.... More ››
 89 - Q: What's the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion? A: A chainsaw can be tuned.... More ››
 90 - Q: How do you know if there is a drummer at your door? A: The knocking always speeds up.... More ››
 91 - Q: What will you never say about a banjo player? A: That's the banjo player's porsche.... More ››
 92 - Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw? A: It's all in the grip.... More ››
 93 - Q: How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid? A: When the other tenors notice.... More ››
 94 - Q: How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door? A: The doorbell shrieks!... More ››
 95 - Q: Why does a viola burn longer than a violin? A: It is usually still in the case.... More ››
 96 - Q: What's the definition of a nerd? A: Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet.... More ››
 97 - Knock Knock Who's there ! Bassoon ! Bassoon who ? Bassoon things will be better !... More ››
 98 - Q: Why are conductors' hearts popular for transplants? A: They've had little use.... More ››
 99 - Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola? A: Sit in the back and don't play.... More ››
 100 - Q: What is the difference between a violin and a viola? A: A viola burns longer.... More ››
 101 - Q: Why is a violinist like a Scud missile? A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.... More ››
 102 - Q. Why did the chicken cross the road? A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.... More ››
 103 - Q: How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs? A: By their names.... More ››
 104 - Q: What is the best recording of the Walton viola concerto? A: Music Minus One.... More ››
 105 - Q: What's the range of an accordion? A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!... More ››
 106 - Q: How do know a clarinet player is playing loud? A: You can almost hear them.... More ››
 107 - Knock Knock Who's there ! Bass ! Bass who ? Bass the salt and pepper please !... More ››
 108 - Q: Why don't violists play hide and seek? A: Because no one will look for them.... More ››
 109 - Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone? A. A bagpiper tuning his drones.... More ››
 110 - Knock Knock Who's there ! Beethoven ! Beethoven who ? Beethoven is too hot !... More ››
 111 - Q: What do you get if you cross a lamp with a violin? A: You get light music.... More ››
 112 - Hey buddy. How late does the band play? About half a beat behind the drummer.... More ››
 113 - Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A: A flat minor.... More ››
 114 - Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control? A: Their personality.... More ››
 115 - Q: What is the definition of an optimist? A: An accordion player with a pager.... More ››
 116 - Q: What is the definition of a major seventh? A: A violist playing octaves.... More ››
 117 - Q: What do you get when you play a new age song backwards? A: A new age song.... More ››
 118 - Q: How do you protect a valuable instrument? A: Hide it in an accordion case.... More ››
 119 - Q: What is the missing link between the bass and the ape? A: The baritone.... More ››
 120 - Q: How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo? A: Write 'pp, espressivo'.... More ››
 121 - Q: What is the range of a tuba? A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm.... More ››
 122 - Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A: To get away from the noise.... More ››
 123 - Q: Why did the boy bring a ladder to chorus? A: He wanted to sing higher!... More ››
 124 - A saxophone is like a lawsuit. Everyone is happy when the case is closed.... More ››
 125 - Q: Which positions does a violist use? A: First, third, and emergency.... More ››
 126 - Q: Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo? A: They make good paddles.... More ››
 127 - What's musical and holds gallons and gallons of beer? A barrel organ.... More ››
 128 - Q: How do you get 2 piccolos to play a perfect unison? A: Shoot one.... More ››
 129 - Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune? A: The bow is moving.... More ››
 130 - Q: Why don't they know where Mozart is buried? A: Because he's Haydn!... More ››
 131 - Q: Why do so many fishermen own banjos? A: They make great anchors!... More ››
 132 - When is the water in the shower room musical? When it's piping hot.... More ››
 133 - Q: How do you get a clarinet player to play louder? A: You can't!... More ››
 134 - What do you call a mammoth who conducts an orchestra? Tuskanini.... More ››
 135 - Q: What's musical and handy in a supermarket? A: A Chopin Liszt.... More ››
 136 - What is musical and handy in the supermarket. A Chopin Lizst.... More ››
 137 - Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.... More ››
 138 - Q: What's an accordion good for? A: Learning how to fold a map.... More ››
 139 - Q: What do you call a male quartet? A: Three men and a tenor.... More ››
 140 - Q: Why does everyone hate a banjo right off? A: Saves time.... More ››
 141 - Knock Knock Who's there ! Bach ! Bach who ? Bach to work!... More ››
 142 - Q.How is a heart like a musician? A.They both have a beat :)... More ››
 143 - Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test? A. Drool.... More ››
 144 - Q: How do you fix a broken tuba? A: With a "tuba glue."... More ››
 145 - Why did they arrest the musician? He got into treble.... More ››
 146 - How do you make a bandstand? Take away their chairs... More ››
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