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DEAD AND DYING JOKES!

dead and dying JOKES (random)

A man is calling on his best friend to pay a condolence call the day after the friend's wife has died. When he knocks on the door, he gets no answer, so he decides to go in and see if everything is all right. Upon entering the house, the man discovers his friend in the living room kissing a mate. "Jack", says the man, "Your wife just died yesterday!!" His friend looks up and says, "In this grief, do you think I know what I'm doing?"

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THE COMPLETE LIST OF FUNNY dead and dying JOKES:

 1 - A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the... More ››
 2 - A man is calling on his best friend to pay a condolence call the day after the friend's wife h... More ››
 3 - An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father... More ››
 4 - A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field, until he noticed an em... More ››
 5 - A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased... More ››
 6 - This elderly Newfoundland fisherman is on his deathbed and summons his 3 sons to his bedside. "W... More ››
 7 - A chemist, a shopkeeper and a teacher were sentenced to death by firing squad. The chemist was t... More ››
 8 - A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the stre... More ››
 9 - Phoning the florist to order some flowers for her lover's funeral, woman was caught off guard wh... More ››
 10 - A chap went up to the counter in the library and said, "Have you got any books about committing... More ››
 11 - Sam was on his death bed, and his wife and children were gathered around him. Suddenly the arom... More ››
 12 - A man is fibbing away about how great things are in his country. Finally, he starts describing... More ››
 13 - Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and... More ››
 14 - "Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir," the ne... More ››
 15 - At the inquest into her husband's death by food poisoning Mrs Wally was asked by the coroner i... More ››
 16 - "Why are you crying Fred?" asked the teacher. " 'Cos my parrot died last night. I washed it in... More ››
 17 - There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey... More ››
 18 - A monster and a zombie went into a funeral home. 'I'd like to order a coffin for a friend of min... More ››
 19 - The man who was about to die said to the Sheriff, "Say, do I really have to die swinging from... More ››
 20 - A monster and a zombie went into the undertaker's. "I'd like to order a coffin for a friend of... More ››
 21 - A man was sitting in the electric chair. The executioner said, "Look, I'm sorry but I'm going to... More ››
 22 - Vampire 1: "I once went so long without fresh blood that I nearly died." Vampire 2: "How awful... More ››
 23 - Did you hear someone has invented a coffin that just covers the head? It's for people like you... More ››
 24 - What's the difference between a very old, shaggy Yeti and a dead bee? One's a seedy beast and... More ››
 25 - Teacher: If I had ten flies on my desk, and I swatted one, how many flies would be left? Girl:... More ››
 26 - Why did the cowboy die with his boots on ? Because he didn't want to stub his toe when he kicke... More ››
 27 - Did you hear about the undertaker who buried someone in the wrong place and was sacked for the... More ››
 28 - If a woman is born in Italy, grows up in England, goes to America and dies in Baltimore, what is... More ››
 29 - Did you hear about the do-it-yourself funeral? They just loosen the earth and you sink down by... More ››
 30 - Doctor, doctor, I'm at death's door! Don't worry, Mrs Jenkins. An operation will soon pull you... More ››
 31 - I've been e-mailing William Shakespeare. William Shakespeare's dead, silly. No wonder he hasn't... More ››
 32 - My brother's a professional boxer. Heavyweight ? No, featherweight. He tickles his opponents to d... More ››
 33 - When a knight in armour was killed in battle, what sign did they put on his grave ? Rust in pea... More ››
 34 - What is the difference between a musician and a dead body? One composes and the other decompos... More ››
 35 - If a man was born in England, raised in America and died in Spain, what does that make him? De... More ››
 36 - I was so sorry to hear you buried your mother last week. Well, we had to, you know, she was dea... More ››
 37 - Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea? Pupil: Dead ?, I didn't even know he was sick !... More ››
 38 - Waiter, waiter! There's a dead fly in my soup. Oh no! Who's going to look after his family?... More ››
 39 - Why do you want to be buried at sea? Because my wife says she wants to dance on my grave.... More ››
 40 - Did you hear about the two men who were cremated at the same time? It was a dead heat.... More ››
 41 - Why did the monster take a dead man for a drive in his car? Because he was a car-case.... More ››
 42 - Doctor, doctor, I feel dead from the waist down. I'll arrange for you to be halfburied.... More ››
 43 - What are you doing? I'm trying to call Washington! Oh, haven't you heard? He's dead!... More ››
 44 - Did you hear about the man who left his job at the mortuary? It was a dead end job.... More ››
 45 - Question: What did the dead raccoon say in his will? Answer: "Leave it to Beaver."... More ››
 46 - What do you call a man who has been dead and buried for thousands of years? Pete.... More ››
 47 - Waiter, there's a fly in my soup ! Yes, it's the rotting meat that attracts them !... More ››
 48 - First ghoul: You don't look too well today. Second ghoul: No, I'm dead on my feet.... More ››
 49 - Why do cemeteries have fences around them? Because people are dying to get in.... More ››
 50 - What lies on the ground 100 feet up in the air and smells? A dead centipede.... More ››
 51 - Q: What is the definition of Death? A: When you stop paying taxes suddenly.... More ››
 52 - What is posthumous work ? Something written by someone after they are dead !... More ››
 53 - Why was George Washington buried at Mount Vernon ? Because he was dead !... More ››
 54 - What is the last thing you eat before you die? You bite the dust.... More ››
 55 - What did the little kid do with the dead battery? He buried it.... More ››
 56 - What kind of ghosts haunt operating theatres? Surgical spirits.... More ››
 57 - What's a zombie's favorite pop song? Dead sails in the sunset.... More ››
 58 - What has four legs, a tail, whiskers and flies? A dead cat.... More ››
 59 - What do you find in a zombie's veins? Dead blood corpuscles.... More ››
 60 - Where do ghosts go for their holidays? The Dead Sea.... More ››
 61 - How do you make a Venetian blind? Poke him in the eye... More ››
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