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humor JOKES (random)

What's the best way to increase the size of your bank balance?
Look at it through a magnifying glass.

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 1 - Mad men are given a test to prove they are getting normal their teacher draws a door on the wall... More ››
 2 - At the scene of a bank raid the police officer came running up to his inspector and said, "He go... More ››
 3 - "Do you love me more than you love sleep?" "I can't answer now. It's time for my nap!"... More ››
 4 - A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, It... More ››
 5 - A girl walked over to her neighbor's for her morning chat session. When she got there, her neigh... More ››
 6 - Big Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious about one of the newer members of his... More ››
 7 - A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned... More ››
 8 - The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the door... More ››
 9 - A magician was employed by a Shipping Line to entertain the passengers during cruises. The capta... More ››
 10 - There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After servin... More ››
 11 - There was a guy walking down the street in San Francisco, and he tripped over an old looking o... More ››
 12 - Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at... More ››
 13 - Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air.... More ››
 14 - A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going... More ››
 15 - Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he... More ››
 16 - Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and w... More ››
 17 - Three friends were stranded on a desert island. After several weeks with no food and no drinking... More ››
 18 - A man is hired by the circus to perform a necessary but rather unpleasant task. He is asked to w... More ››
 19 - Bill and Steve are enjoying a beer and discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in l... More ››
 20 - One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by... More ››
 21 - Abraham wanted a new suit, so he bought a nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a tailo... More ››
 22 - Steve, Bob and Jeff are all working on some very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off a... More ››
 23 - So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking... More ››
 24 - There once was a German schoolteacher. She went to England to teach. When she arrived at the boa... More ››
 25 - Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to... More ››
 26 - A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in tow... More ››
 27 - The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat... More ››
 28 - An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a m... More ››
 29 - A monastery in the English countryside was having a hard time with its cash flow because of the... More ››
 30 - An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher were hiking t... More ››
 31 - A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He... More ››
 32 - At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. He immediately began... More ››
 33 - A young man was strolling down a street. As he passed a large building with a fence around it,... More ››
 34 - A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She exc... More ››
 35 - The world's most incredibly lazy man found a magic lamp. He rubbed it and a genie appeared and g... More ››
 36 - The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. "I've been insulted," sh... More ››
 37 - After wedding a young couple rented a town house in a large complex. Concerned about a leak in a... More ››
 38 - Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and... More ››
 39 - Three men stood before a judge on a charge of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park.... More ››
 40 - A man was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first d... More ››
 41 - A newlywed couple, after bringing their luggage into their cabin, stormed down to the desk. The... More ››
 42 - Coleman moved to Wyoming and was sitting in the unemployment office applying for a job. "Have... More ››
 43 - After a visit to the circus, Geoff and Don were discussing the thrills and marvels they had seen... More ››
 44 - The Rocky Mountains are very big and far apart. It takes a long time for an echo to bounce bac... More ››
 45 - Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it in... More ››
 46 - A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer looked at the guy... More ››
 47 - Dawn was breaking over the camp grounds. Tony and Steve were lying in their tent. 'That was a t... More ››
 48 - This morning I felt that today was going to be my lucky day. I got up at seven, had seven dollar... More ››
 49 - One day the counsellor got a phone call. It was from a camper who had been at camp the summer be... More ››
 50 - Terry and Debbie were camping with their parents deep in the woods. 'How far is it to town?' Te... More ››
 51 - When Fred was applying for a credit card, the manager of the credit card company asked him if he... More ››
 52 - Harry was telling his friend about his holiday in Switzerland. His friend had never been to Swit... More ››
 53 - How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to hold the bulb, and three to tr... More ››
 54 - A man walks into a palm reader store and asks the reader, "Could you read my palm?" He shows his... More ››
 55 - The garbage men were just about to leave the street when a girl came running out of the house ca... More ››
 56 - Pierre was a camper from France. In his honour, Jenny sang a French song in the talent show. But... More ››
 57 - Two women were sitting by the pool, and one asked what kind of water they fill the pool with --... More ››
 58 - Q: How many circus performers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Four: One for the money, t... More ››
 59 - A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, its my mother's birthday tomorrow... More ››
 60 - I used to not get on with my mother-in-law, but over the last few months I've developed quite... More ››
 61 - Two friends: - I heard that you have founded a musical band. - Yes, it is a quartet. - How man... More ››
 62 - At the end of camp, Julie won the prize for neatest trunk. Her mother was amazed. 'How did yo... More ››
 63 - One day a wife complained, "This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds... More ››
 64 - What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary? An English actuary c... More ››
 65 - A man went in to the bank and asked to see the man who arranged the loans. 'I'm sorry, sir,'... More ››
 66 - Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with... More ››
 67 - Bob: Did you hear about the camper who was killed by a garter snake? Betty: That's impossible. A... More ››
 68 - I'm not rich like Jack, don't have a mansion like Russell or have a Porsche like Martin but I do... More ››
 69 - John was hard at work with the broom in his family's tent. His mother came in and said, 'That's... More ››
 70 - The head Counselor gathered all the campers together. To get their attention, the Counselor call... More ››
 71 - How many social scientists does it take to change a light bulb? None. Social scientists do not... More ››
 72 - Steve wrote home. 'I'm glad you named me Steve,' he said in the letter. 'Why?' asked his mother... More ››
 73 - There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the h... More ››
 74 - The young Southern belle came to the hospital for a check-up. "Have you ever been x-rayed?", ask... More ››
 75 - A Counselor saw a camper sitting alone. 'Why don't you play with your friends?' he asked. 'Beca... More ››
 76 - Bank manager: I'm sorry, sir, you can't open an account with this sort of money. They're wooden... More ››
 77 - How many architects does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but he has to coordinate ten o... More ››
 78 - How many tax auditors does it take to find a $1.00 mistake in an expense report? Three. One to... More ››
 79 - How many tax advisors does it take to change a light bulb? "In the summer there is a tax deductib... More ››
 80 - The Counselor was talking to the campers about safety. She said 'Don't climb any trees. If you... More ››
 81 - The Counselor was greeting the new campers. 'So you decided to come to camp,' she said to one. '... More ››
 82 - How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to change it while the... More ››
 83 - Q: How many Mafia hitmen does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. One to screw it in, on... More ››
 84 - New camper: I thought you said this camp has no mosquitoes. Old camper: That's right. These mos... More ››
 85 - On the last day of camp everyone was asked the same question: 'What is the best part of the camp... More ››
 86 - Mother-in-law: I baked two kinds of cookies today. Would you like to take your pick? Son-in-la... More ››
 87 - Q: How many Survivors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One to start screwing it in an... More ››
 88 - A gang of witches broke into a blood bank last night and stole a thousand pints of blood. Poli... More ››
 89 - A man had a nose ring fitted into his nose, a friend asked, "how much did you pay for that?" "I... More ››
 90 - Q. What's te definition of a bachelor pad? A. All the house plants are dead, but there's somethi... More ››
 91 - How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb? Twelve. One to change the bulb, a... More ››
 92 - Two guys are talking: (1) - I've bought a tour to my mother-in-law. (2) - Your mother-in-law???!... More ››
 93 - Did you hear about the fire in the rednecks library? Both the books got burned, and one hadn't... More ››
 94 - Meg's mother was visiting her daughter at camp. 'How did you find the steak dinner?' she asked.... More ››
 95 - My mother-in-law is like a fine French Impressionist painting. She's very lovely, but is best a... More ››
 96 - What's the difference between a sigh, a car and a monkey? A sigh is oh, dear. A car is too dear.... More ››
 97 - So the bus driver said to the string, "Are you a string?" and the string said, "No, I'm afraid... More ››
 98 - How many cashiers does it take to change a light bulb? "Are you kidding? They won't even change... More ››
 99 - Q. What did Snow white say when her photos didn't come back from the photo store? A. "Some day... More ››
 100 - My brother's looking for a girlfriend. Trouble is, he can't find a girl who loves him as much as... More ››
 101 - Camper: There's a leak over my bunk! Counselor: That's what we said in the camp ads. Running wate... More ››
 102 - Martin asked David, "In which state does the Ohio River run?" David answered with cool, "In the... More ››
 103 - Q. What do Fred Flintstone and Osama Bin Laden have in common? A. They both look out their caves... More ››
 104 - Camper: There's a leak over my bunk! Counselor: Shh! Don't make such a fuss. Soon everyone will... More ››
 105 - Dad, did you manage to fix my toy? No, it's not broken, the battery's flat. Well, what shape s... More ››
 106 - How did the octopus lovers walk down the road? Arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in a... More ››
 107 - How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb? "I don't know, but I can look it up... More ››
 108 - It was so hot when we went on holiday last year that we had to take turns sitting in each other'... More ››
 109 - What's the best way to increase the size of your bank balance? Look at it through a magnifying... More ››
 110 - My mother-in-law has got so many double chins it looks like she is peering over a pile of panc... More ››
 111 - My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday. How is she now ? She's fine. But, the dog di... More ››
 112 - Did you hear about the man in the electric chair who asked the executioner to reverse the charge... More ››
 113 - Mother: Fred, why did you put a slug in your grandma's bed? Fred: Because I couldn't find a snak... More ››
 114 - Why did the kangaroo love the little Australian bear? Because the bear had many fine koala-tie... More ››
 115 - What happened to the wizard who ran away with the circus? The police made him bring it back again... More ››
 116 - Sammy: My parents are sending me to camp. Tammy: Why? Do you need a vacation? Sammy: No. They do... More ››
 117 - Q: Why couldn't the animals on Noah's Ark play cards? A: Because Noah was standing on the deck... More ››
 118 - How many applicants does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but 200 applied for the job.... More ››
 119 - Q. Is it possible to kill a mother-in-law with newspaper? A. Yes, if you wrap an iron in it.... More ››
 120 - Do you love me? Of course Then whisper something soft and sweet in my ear Lemon meringue pie !... More ››
 121 - Why did the knight run about shouting for a tin opener ? He had a bee in his suit of armour !... More ››
 122 - Did you hear about the ghoul's favorite hotel? It had running rot and mould in every room.... More ››
 123 - Clown: Why are you wearing such a large shirt? Second Clown: I always perform in the big top.... More ››
 124 - What happened when the monster kissed his one true love? He left lip prints on the mirror!... More ››
 125 - How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? Third as many as for a regular bulb.... More ››
 126 - Camper: There's a leak over my bunk! Counselor: Don't complain. It only leaks when it rains.... More ››
 127 - Sharon: I'm so homesick. Sheila: But this is your home! Sharon: I know and I'm sick of it.... More ››
 128 - Freda: Boys whisper they love me. Fred: Well, they wouldn't admit it out loud, would they?... More ››
 129 - Q: Whatever happened to the bedbugs who fell in love? A: They got married in the spring.... More ››
 130 - What's the difference between ignorance and indifference? I don't know and I don't care!... More ››
 131 - Why did the janitor take early retirement? Because he realized that grime doesn't pay.... More ››
 132 - Q: Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? A: To win the no-bell prize.... More ››
 133 - Did you hear about the man who jumped in the Hudson River? He committed sewercide.... More ››
 134 - What would you get if you crossed a monster with the god of love? A stupid Cupid!... More ››
 135 - Why is the Liberty Bell like a dropped Easter egg? Because they're both cracked!... More ››
 136 - Why did the teacher decide to become an electrician? To get a bit of light relief.... More ››
 137 - Last night I dreamt I ate a giant marshmallow. When I woke up my pillow was gone !... More ››
 138 - What's a cow's favourite love song? When I fall in love , it will be for heifer.... More ››
 139 - They're perfectly matched. He's blinded by love and her looks are out of sight !... More ››
 140 - What's a cow's favourite love song? When I fall in love, it will be for heifer.... More ››
 141 - What does a man who loves his car do on February 14? He gives it a valenshine!... More ››
 142 - If you need a loan, who do you see in the bank? The Loan Arranger (Lone Ranger).... More ››
 143 - Q: Why did the haunted house not like rain? A: Because it dampened his spirits.... More ››
 144 - Do you know the difference between genius and stupid? "Genius has its limits."... More ››
 145 - How do you cook vegatables in the microwave ? Take them out their wheelchair.... More ››
 146 - What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head ? Sister Matic !... More ››
 147 - Q: Why did the Mummy go to the bathroom? A: To wrap itself in toilet paper!... More ››
 148 - Q: Why did the clown wear loud socks? A: So his feet wouldn't fall asleep.... More ››
 149 - Q: What did the hat say to the necktie? A: You go AHEAD I'll HANG AROUND!... More ››
 150 - Q. Have you heard the latest scandal? A. Dr. Pepper was drunk at a party.... More ››
 151 - Q. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? A. He didn't have the guts too... More ››
 152 - What is the most breathless thing on television ? The Pink Panter Show !... More ››
 153 - Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by you again?... More ››
 154 - What did one rock pool say to the other rock pool? Show me your mussels.... More ››
 155 - What did the painter say to her boyfriend? "I love you with all my art!"... More ››
 156 - Why are Saturday and Sunday so strong? Because the rest are weekdays.... More ››
 157 - Q. Why did the belt go to jail? A. Because he held up a pair of pants!... More ››
 158 - Did you hear the one about the phoney Cupid? He was totally bow-gus!... More ››
 159 - How is a bell obedient? It sounds off only when it is told (tolled).... More ››
 160 - Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?... More ››
 161 - Q: Why did the clown cross the road? A: To find his rubber chicken.... More ››
 162 - What do you get if you cross a toilet with a pop singer ? Loo-Loo !... More ››
 163 - Why did the boxer date the pretty girl? Because she was a knockout!... More ››
 164 - What did the bell say when it fell in the water? I'm wringing wet.... More ››
 165 - Q. What do you call a ginger bread man wit one leg? A. Limp biskit... More ››
 166 - Why was the banker bored? Because he lost interest in everything.... More ››
 167 - Why can't you keep secrets in a bank? Because of all the tellers.... More ››
 168 - What did the elephant say to his girlfriend? "I love you a ton!"... More ››
 169 - Where did the fortune-teller go on her vacation? To Palm Beach.... More ››
 170 - What did one amorous flea say to the other? I love you aw-flea.... More ››
 171 - Q. Why do bakers work so hard? A. Because they need the dough... More ››
 172 - What do lovesick owls say when it's raining? Too-wet-to-woo.... More ››
 173 - What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.... More ››
 174 - Q: Where do people who say "shoot" and "darn" go to? A: Heck... More ››
 175 - What is an archaeologist ? Someone who's career is in ruins !... More ››
 176 - What do you call a guard with a hundred legs? A sentrypede.... More ››
 177 - Which painter always had a very bad cold? Vincent Van Cough... More ››
 178 - Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.... More ››
 179 - My teacher loves me - she puts kisses against all my sums.... More ››
 180 - Q. What is the bigest pencil in the world? A. Pennsylvania... More ››
 181 - What do you call a tube with a degree? A graduated cylinder.... More ››
 182 - Q: Why don't you wear snow boots? A: Because they'll melt.... More ››
 183 - Q: What's black, white and read all over? A: A newspaper.... More ››
 184 - What did one bell say to the other? "Be my valenchime!"... More ››
 185 - What do you call a bell wearing a tutu ? A bellerina !... More ››
 186 - Question: What goes up and never comes down? Answer: Up... More ››
 187 - Q: What did the cook say to the dough? A: I "NEED" you!... More ››
 188 - Who does a ghoul fall in love with? His ghoul friend.... More ››
 189 - What is the most romantic city in England? Loverpool!... More ››
 190 - What do you call a man who cleans out toilets ? Lou !... More ››
 191 - What kind of hair do oceans have? ...Wavy hair.... More ››
 192 - What do you call an amorous insect? The love bug.... More ››
 193 - What do you call two birds in love? Tweethearts!... More ››
 194 - What do you call an Igloo without a toilet ? An Ig !... More ››
 195 - Where do mermaids go to see movies? ...The dive-in... More ››
 196 - Why was six scared of seven? Because seven ate nine.... More ››
 197 - Q. What did dela wear?(Delaware) A. Her New Jersey... More ››
 198 - How do you get pikachu on to a boat? You pokemon... More ››
 199 - How much is 5Q and 5Q? 10Q. "You're welcome. "... More ››
 200 - What runs all day but never gets tired? Water.... More ››
 201 - What's blue and sings alone? - Dan Ackroyd.... More ››
 202 - What kind of bell doesn't ring? A dumbbell.... More ››
 203 - What do you use to cut the ocean? A seasaw... More ››
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