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humor JOKES (random)

Three friends were stranded on a desert island.
After several weeks with no food and no drinking water, they were beginning to lose heart.
Suddenly, a bottle floated into the shore and a beautiful genie popped out.
She said "I have three wishes to grant.
Each of you gentleman can make one wish come true." Friend number one got excited.
He said "I wish I was in Las Vegas with dice in one hand and a drink in the other, surrounded by music, food, and beautiful women." Instantly he was gone, his wish granted.
Friend number two smiled and said, "I wish I was back home right now with my wonderful wife and our two small children, at our log cabin in the woods sitting in front of the fire and singing Christmas carols together." Just like that, he disappeared.
The genie asked the remaining man, "And what do you wish for?" He answered, "Gee, I wish I had my buddies back to help me dec ide..."

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 23 - So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking... More ››
 24 - There once was a German schoolteacher. She went to England to teach. When she arrived at the boa... More ››
 25 - Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to... More ››
 26 - A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in tow... More ››
 27 - The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat... More ››
 28 - An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a m... More ››
 29 - A monastery in the English countryside was having a hard time with its cash flow because of the... More ››
 30 - An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher were hiking t... More ››
 31 - A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He... More ››
 32 - At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. He immediately began... More ››
 33 - A young man was strolling down a street. As he passed a large building with a fence around it,... More ››
 34 - A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She exc... More ››
 35 - The world's most incredibly lazy man found a magic lamp. He rubbed it and a genie appeared and g... More ››
 36 - The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. "I've been insulted," sh... More ››
 37 - After wedding a young couple rented a town house in a large complex. Concerned about a leak in a... More ››
 38 - Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and... More ››
 39 - Three men stood before a judge on a charge of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park.... More ››
 40 - A man was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first d... More ››
 41 - A newlywed couple, after bringing their luggage into their cabin, stormed down to the desk. The... More ››
 42 - Coleman moved to Wyoming and was sitting in the unemployment office applying for a job. "Have... More ››
 43 - After a visit to the circus, Geoff and Don were discussing the thrills and marvels they had seen... More ››
 44 - The Rocky Mountains are very big and far apart. It takes a long time for an echo to bounce bac... More ››
 45 - Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it in... More ››
 46 - A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer looked at the guy... More ››
 47 - Dawn was breaking over the camp grounds. Tony and Steve were lying in their tent. 'That was a t... More ››
 48 - This morning I felt that today was going to be my lucky day. I got up at seven, had seven dollar... More ››
 49 - One day the counsellor got a phone call. It was from a camper who had been at camp the summer be... More ››
 50 - Terry and Debbie were camping with their parents deep in the woods. 'How far is it to town?' Te... More ››
 51 - When Fred was applying for a credit card, the manager of the credit card company asked him if he... More ››
 52 - Harry was telling his friend about his holiday in Switzerland. His friend had never been to Swit... More ››
 53 - How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to hold the bulb, and three to tr... More ››
 54 - A man walks into a palm reader store and asks the reader, "Could you read my palm?" He shows his... More ››
 55 - The garbage men were just about to leave the street when a girl came running out of the house ca... More ››
 56 - Pierre was a camper from France. In his honour, Jenny sang a French song in the talent show. But... More ››
 57 - Two women were sitting by the pool, and one asked what kind of water they fill the pool with --... More ››
 58 - Q: How many circus performers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Four: One for the money, t... More ››
 59 - A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, its my mother's birthday tomorrow... More ››
 60 - I used to not get on with my mother-in-law, but over the last few months I've developed quite... More ››
 61 - Two friends: - I heard that you have founded a musical band. - Yes, it is a quartet. - How man... More ››
 62 - At the end of camp, Julie won the prize for neatest trunk. Her mother was amazed. 'How did yo... More ››
 63 - One day a wife complained, "This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds... More ››
 64 - What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary? An English actuary c... More ››
 65 - A man went in to the bank and asked to see the man who arranged the loans. 'I'm sorry, sir,'... More ››
 66 - Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with... More ››
 67 - Bob: Did you hear about the camper who was killed by a garter snake? Betty: That's impossible. A... More ››
 68 - I'm not rich like Jack, don't have a mansion like Russell or have a Porsche like Martin but I do... More ››
 69 - John was hard at work with the broom in his family's tent. His mother came in and said, 'That's... More ››
 70 - The head Counselor gathered all the campers together. To get their attention, the Counselor call... More ››
 71 - How many social scientists does it take to change a light bulb? None. Social scientists do not... More ››
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 74 - The young Southern belle came to the hospital for a check-up. "Have you ever been x-rayed?", ask... More ››
 75 - A Counselor saw a camper sitting alone. 'Why don't you play with your friends?' he asked. 'Beca... More ››
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 78 - How many tax auditors does it take to find a $1.00 mistake in an expense report? Three. One to... More ››
 79 - How many tax advisors does it take to change a light bulb? "In the summer there is a tax deductib... More ››
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 81 - The Counselor was greeting the new campers. 'So you decided to come to camp,' she said to one. '... More ››
 82 - How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to change it while the... More ››
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 84 - New camper: I thought you said this camp has no mosquitoes. Old camper: That's right. These mos... More ››
 85 - On the last day of camp everyone was asked the same question: 'What is the best part of the camp... More ››
 86 - Mother-in-law: I baked two kinds of cookies today. Would you like to take your pick? Son-in-la... More ››
 87 - Q: How many Survivors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One to start screwing it in an... More ››
 88 - A gang of witches broke into a blood bank last night and stole a thousand pints of blood. Poli... More ››
 89 - A man had a nose ring fitted into his nose, a friend asked, "how much did you pay for that?" "I... More ››
 90 - Q. What's te definition of a bachelor pad? A. All the house plants are dead, but there's somethi... More ››
 91 - How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb? Twelve. One to change the bulb, a... More ››
 92 - Two guys are talking: (1) - I've bought a tour to my mother-in-law. (2) - Your mother-in-law???!... More ››
 93 - Did you hear about the fire in the rednecks library? Both the books got burned, and one hadn't... More ››
 94 - Meg's mother was visiting her daughter at camp. 'How did you find the steak dinner?' she asked.... More ››
 95 - My mother-in-law is like a fine French Impressionist painting. She's very lovely, but is best a... More ››
 96 - What's the difference between a sigh, a car and a monkey? A sigh is oh, dear. A car is too dear.... More ››
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 99 - Q. What did Snow white say when her photos didn't come back from the photo store? A. "Some day... More ››
 100 - My brother's looking for a girlfriend. Trouble is, he can't find a girl who loves him as much as... More ››
 101 - Camper: There's a leak over my bunk! Counselor: That's what we said in the camp ads. Running wate... More ››
 102 - Martin asked David, "In which state does the Ohio River run?" David answered with cool, "In the... More ››
 103 - Q. What do Fred Flintstone and Osama Bin Laden have in common? A. They both look out their caves... More ››
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 105 - Dad, did you manage to fix my toy? No, it's not broken, the battery's flat. Well, what shape s... More ››
 106 - How did the octopus lovers walk down the road? Arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in a... More ››
 107 - How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb? "I don't know, but I can look it up... More ››
 108 - It was so hot when we went on holiday last year that we had to take turns sitting in each other'... More ››
 109 - What's the best way to increase the size of your bank balance? Look at it through a magnifying... More ››
 110 - My mother-in-law has got so many double chins it looks like she is peering over a pile of panc... More ››
 111 - My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday. How is she now ? She's fine. But, the dog di... More ››
 112 - Did you hear about the man in the electric chair who asked the executioner to reverse the charge... More ››
 113 - Mother: Fred, why did you put a slug in your grandma's bed? Fred: Because I couldn't find a snak... More ››
 114 - Why did the kangaroo love the little Australian bear? Because the bear had many fine koala-tie... More ››
 115 - What happened to the wizard who ran away with the circus? The police made him bring it back again... More ››
 116 - Sammy: My parents are sending me to camp. Tammy: Why? Do you need a vacation? Sammy: No. They do... More ››
 117 - Q: Why couldn't the animals on Noah's Ark play cards? A: Because Noah was standing on the deck... More ››
 118 - How many applicants does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but 200 applied for the job.... More ››
 119 - Q. Is it possible to kill a mother-in-law with newspaper? A. Yes, if you wrap an iron in it.... More ››
 120 - Do you love me? Of course Then whisper something soft and sweet in my ear Lemon meringue pie !... More ››
 121 - Why did the knight run about shouting for a tin opener ? He had a bee in his suit of armour !... More ››
 122 - Did you hear about the ghoul's favorite hotel? It had running rot and mould in every room.... More ››
 123 - Clown: Why are you wearing such a large shirt? Second Clown: I always perform in the big top.... More ››
 124 - What happened when the monster kissed his one true love? He left lip prints on the mirror!... More ››
 125 - How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? Third as many as for a regular bulb.... More ››
 126 - Camper: There's a leak over my bunk! Counselor: Don't complain. It only leaks when it rains.... More ››
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 128 - Freda: Boys whisper they love me. Fred: Well, they wouldn't admit it out loud, would they?... More ››
 129 - Q: Whatever happened to the bedbugs who fell in love? A: They got married in the spring.... More ››
 130 - What's the difference between ignorance and indifference? I don't know and I don't care!... More ››
 131 - Why did the janitor take early retirement? Because he realized that grime doesn't pay.... More ››
 132 - Q: Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? A: To win the no-bell prize.... More ››
 133 - Did you hear about the man who jumped in the Hudson River? He committed sewercide.... More ››
 134 - What would you get if you crossed a monster with the god of love? A stupid Cupid!... More ››
 135 - Why is the Liberty Bell like a dropped Easter egg? Because they're both cracked!... More ››
 136 - Why did the teacher decide to become an electrician? To get a bit of light relief.... More ››
 137 - Last night I dreamt I ate a giant marshmallow. When I woke up my pillow was gone !... More ››
 138 - What's a cow's favourite love song? When I fall in love , it will be for heifer.... More ››
 139 - They're perfectly matched. He's blinded by love and her looks are out of sight !... More ››
 140 - What's a cow's favourite love song? When I fall in love, it will be for heifer.... More ››
 141 - What does a man who loves his car do on February 14? He gives it a valenshine!... More ››
 142 - If you need a loan, who do you see in the bank? The Loan Arranger (Lone Ranger).... More ››
 143 - Q: Why did the haunted house not like rain? A: Because it dampened his spirits.... More ››
 144 - Do you know the difference between genius and stupid? "Genius has its limits."... More ››
 145 - How do you cook vegatables in the microwave ? Take them out their wheelchair.... More ››
 146 - What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head ? Sister Matic !... More ››
 147 - Q: Why did the Mummy go to the bathroom? A: To wrap itself in toilet paper!... More ››
 148 - Q: Why did the clown wear loud socks? A: So his feet wouldn't fall asleep.... More ››
 149 - Q: What did the hat say to the necktie? A: You go AHEAD I'll HANG AROUND!... More ››
 150 - Q. Have you heard the latest scandal? A. Dr. Pepper was drunk at a party.... More ››
 151 - Q. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? A. He didn't have the guts too... More ››
 152 - What is the most breathless thing on television ? The Pink Panter Show !... More ››
 153 - Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by you again?... More ››
 154 - What did one rock pool say to the other rock pool? Show me your mussels.... More ››
 155 - What did the painter say to her boyfriend? "I love you with all my art!"... More ››
 156 - Why are Saturday and Sunday so strong? Because the rest are weekdays.... More ››
 157 - Q. Why did the belt go to jail? A. Because he held up a pair of pants!... More ››
 158 - Did you hear the one about the phoney Cupid? He was totally bow-gus!... More ››
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 160 - Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?... More ››
 161 - Q: Why did the clown cross the road? A: To find his rubber chicken.... More ››
 162 - What do you get if you cross a toilet with a pop singer ? Loo-Loo !... More ››
 163 - Why did the boxer date the pretty girl? Because she was a knockout!... More ››
 164 - What did the bell say when it fell in the water? I'm wringing wet.... More ››
 165 - Q. What do you call a ginger bread man wit one leg? A. Limp biskit... More ››
 166 - Why was the banker bored? Because he lost interest in everything.... More ››
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 168 - What did the elephant say to his girlfriend? "I love you a ton!"... More ››
 169 - Where did the fortune-teller go on her vacation? To Palm Beach.... More ››
 170 - What did one amorous flea say to the other? I love you aw-flea.... More ››
 171 - Q. Why do bakers work so hard? A. Because they need the dough... More ››
 172 - What do lovesick owls say when it's raining? Too-wet-to-woo.... More ››
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 174 - Q: Where do people who say "shoot" and "darn" go to? A: Heck... More ››
 175 - What is an archaeologist ? Someone who's career is in ruins !... More ››
 176 - What do you call a guard with a hundred legs? A sentrypede.... More ››
 177 - Which painter always had a very bad cold? Vincent Van Cough... More ››
 178 - Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.... More ››
 179 - My teacher loves me - she puts kisses against all my sums.... More ››
 180 - Q. What is the bigest pencil in the world? A. Pennsylvania... More ››
 181 - What do you call a tube with a degree? A graduated cylinder.... More ››
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 183 - Q: What's black, white and read all over? A: A newspaper.... More ››
 184 - What did one bell say to the other? "Be my valenchime!"... More ››
 185 - What do you call a bell wearing a tutu ? A bellerina !... More ››
 186 - Question: What goes up and never comes down? Answer: Up... More ››
 187 - Q: What did the cook say to the dough? A: I "NEED" you!... More ››
 188 - Who does a ghoul fall in love with? His ghoul friend.... More ››
 189 - What is the most romantic city in England? Loverpool!... More ››
 190 - What do you call a man who cleans out toilets ? Lou !... More ››
 191 - What kind of hair do oceans have? ...Wavy hair.... More ››
 192 - What do you call an amorous insect? The love bug.... More ››
 193 - What do you call two birds in love? Tweethearts!... More ››
 194 - What do you call an Igloo without a toilet ? An Ig !... More ››
 195 - Where do mermaids go to see movies? ...The dive-in... More ››
 196 - Why was six scared of seven? Because seven ate nine.... More ››
 197 - Q. What did dela wear?(Delaware) A. Her New Jersey... More ››
 198 - How do you get pikachu on to a boat? You pokemon... More ››
 199 - How much is 5Q and 5Q? 10Q. "You're welcome. "... More ››
 200 - What runs all day but never gets tired? Water.... More ››
 201 - What's blue and sings alone? - Dan Ackroyd.... More ››
 202 - What kind of bell doesn't ring? A dumbbell.... More ››
 203 - What do you use to cut the ocean? A seasaw... More ››
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