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car and train JOKES (random)

Policeman: Didn't you see the signs with the speed limit?
Driver: I thought they were just suggestions.

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 1 - A businessman was traveling in the train and his seat was reserved in the last couch of the trai... More ››
 2 - A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is... More ››
 3 - A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. He rolled down his wind... More ››
 4 - One day, two guys were driving to a local grocery store to get some food. On the way to the stor... More ››
 5 - Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee, listening to the weather... More ››
 6 - A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to d... More ››
 7 - Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal... More ››
 8 - A fellow was following a truck in heavy traffic. Every block or so, when they were stopped at... More ››
 9 - A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he's i... More ››
 10 - Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian customer agent s... More ››
 11 - Blake and his parents were drinking at the bar in a train station when they heard a whistle. The... More ››
 12 - A young man comes home and says "Dad, just got my driver's license and would like to use the fam... More ››
 13 - A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night. The passenger taps the driver on... More ››
 14 - A Roadway driver is driving east on Route 66 he sees a truck driving west and the CB crackles... More ››
 15 - A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The fi... More ››
 16 - A tiny racing car was developed by American scientists. The Americans then sent the car over t... More ››
 17 - A man is driving down the road for a long period of time. During his travel, he sees a pries... More ››
 18 - An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumb... More ››
 19 - A guy driving a truck in the middle of nowhere picks up a hitch-hiker. It gets dark and the hit... More ››
 20 - After seeing a documentary on how inner city youths can remove the wheels of cars in under 4 se... More ››
 21 - Dilmer, six-foot-three, two hundred eighty pounds, was thrown from his seat when the Southern Ra... More ››
 22 - A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old... More ››
 23 - One day there was a family driving in the car to Michigan to visit their relatives. They were lo... More ››
 24 - After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks, and insane regulations at the... More ››
 25 - A sardarji was working as editor in a daily newspaper. Once he was travelling to Bombay to del... More ››
 26 - A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsucce... More ››
 27 - A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a con... More ››
 28 - The train was about to pull out of the station. Swinging a large bag, a young man managed to rea... More ››
 29 - A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Conn... More ››
 30 - Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American driving habits, offers the follo... More ››
 31 - A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph z... More ››
 32 - A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block... More ››
 33 - Jill's car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down. One day J... More ››
 34 - In a very small alley two trucks driving in opposite directions meet. As the drivers are equa... More ››
 35 - A man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain road. A woman was driving down the same road.... More ››
 36 - A man was fed up of having his car broken into and having his radio stolen he decided he would... More ››
 37 - Auntie Gladys bought herself a new rear-engine continental car. She took an old friend for a s... More ››
 38 - While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign... More ››
 39 - Kelly was standing in front of Cohan's Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down t... More ››
 40 - Auntie Maud bought herself a new rear-engine European car. She took an old friend for a drive, b... More ››
 41 - It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students... More ››
 42 - As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his... More ››
 43 - One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She t... More ››
 44 - WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor." HUSBAND: "Water in the... More ››
 45 - Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six - One to force it with... More ››
 46 - "Where's the car?" asked Professor Delbert's wife when he got home. "Did I take it out?"... More ››
 47 - A San Francisco motorist following a taillight in a dense fog crashed into the car ahead of him... More ››
 48 - McAfee and Bracket were driving home after a big party. "Hey," said McAfee, "be sure to watch... More ››
 49 - Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red... More ››
 50 - A man whose son had just passed his driving test went home one evening and found that the boy ha... More ››
 51 - Hawk and Tom were talking in the bar. Hawk said," I just got kicked off the course for breaking... More ››
 52 - A man was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked if he had... More ››
 53 - A man was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked if he had... More ››
 54 - A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way down a one-way street when a policeman pul... More ››
 55 - Personally, I like to stay and read the credits. When the last scene of Titanic faded to black... More ››
 56 - I saw the most beautiful cars in the window of a dealership recently. A sales man came out and... More ››
 57 - On Fred's 17th birthday, his Dad said he'd take him out for his first driving lesson. As they... More ››
 58 - You know all that talk about backseat driving? Well, I've been driving all my life and can s... More ››
 59 - A man walks into an auto parts store and says "I'd like a rear view mirror for my Yugo." Th... More ››
 60 - If an electric train travels 90 miles an hour in a westerly direction and the wind is blowing fr... More ››
 61 - Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pi... More ››
 62 - Two wizards in a car were driving along and the police were chasing them for speeding. One sai... More ››
 63 - "When you exit the bus, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step." "If you miss... More ››
 64 - A monster goes to a petrol station and says: Fill me up The man at the petrol station replies: Yo... More ››
 65 - A boy sat on a train chewing gum and staring vacantly into space, when suddenly an old woman sit... More ››
 66 - Motorist: When I bought this car you told me it was rust-free, but underneath it's covered with... More ››
 67 - Policeman: What do you think you're doing driving through that intersection fifty miles an hou... More ››
 68 - My sister's a really bad driver. What makes you say that? Every time she goes out in the car,... More ››
 69 - I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, -Do you know the speed limit is... More ››
 70 - A motorist ran into a shop. "Do you own a black and white cat?" he asked. "No," replied the ma... More ››
 71 - Policeman: I suppose you're going to tell me you weren't speeding. Motorist: I was speeding all... More ››
 72 - Q: How many London taxi drivers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: What ? Go all the way... More ››
 73 - If you watch the way that many motorists drive you will soon reach the conclusion that the most... More ››
 74 - Did you hear about the girl who was so keen on road safety that she always wore white at night... More ››
 75 - When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my ca... More ››
 76 - Teacher: "Who built the first American car?" Student: "Me Pilgrims." Teacher: "The Pilgrims?"... More ››
 77 - What's the difference between a schoolteacher and a train driver? A schoolteacher says, "Spit... More ››
 78 - Motorist: Does a deer have a horn? Police Officer: No, a deer has two horns. Motorist: Then it m... More ››
 79 - Policeman: Are you going to a fire? Motorist: No, I'm trying to prevent one. That's what my bos... More ››
 80 - Monster: I've got to walk 25 miles home. Ghost: Why don't you take a train. Monster: I did o... More ››
 81 - Monster: I've got to walk 25 miles home.' Ghost: Why don't you take a train? Monster: I did once... More ››
 82 - What do you get if you cross a Rolls Royce with a vampire? A monster that attacks expensive ca... More ››
 83 - Policeman: What do you think you're doing parking your car there? Motorist: I thought it was go... More ››
 84 - What sort of a car has your dad got? I can't remember the name. I think it starts with T. Re... More ››
 85 - Policeman: Why did you stop your car, get out, and yell "coward" at the traffic signal? Motoris... More ››
 86 - Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would... More ››
 87 - Policeman: I've had my eye on you for some time now. Young Lady: That's funny. I thought you we... More ››
 88 - Why was the school principal not pleased when he bumped into an old friend ? They were both dri... More ››
 89 - What's the difference between a teacher and a conductor on the railroad? One trains the mind,... More ››
 90 - Policeman: Why were you speeding when I stopped you? Motorist: So I could race home to get my l... More ››
 91 - a quadruple amputee is waiting at the bus stop.The bus pulls up.Driver says "alright John, how... More ››
 92 - Did you ever see a country boy in New York whistle for a cab? He puts two fingers in his mouth a... More ››
 93 - Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic... More ››
 94 - What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher? One minds the train, the ot... More ››
 95 - Policeman: How can you say you don't have any outstanding tickets? Driver: They're all in the g... More ››
 96 - Policeman: Why were you driving around in circles and laughing? Motorist: I thought I was on a... More ››
 97 - Why did the stupid racing car driver make ten pit stops during the Grand Prix? He was asking f... More ››
 98 - Policeman: Why did your car just spin around in circles? Motorist: I was making a U-turn and ch... More ››
 99 - Policeman: Why were you speeding? Motorist: I wasn't going to miss seeing myself on "America's Mo... More ››
 100 - Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my lice... More ››
 101 - Why did your sister refuse the gift of a Japanese car ? Because she'd never be able to learn th... More ››
 102 - What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew che... More ››
 103 - Policeman: Did you realize you just missed that bus with your car? Motorist: Did you want me to... More ››
 104 - Policeman: Didn't you see my lights flashing? Motorist: No, I was going faster than the speed o... More ››
 105 - Policeman: Didn't you see the signs with the speed limit? Driver: I thought they were just su... More ››
 106 - Learner driver: What happens when everything's coming your way? Instructor: You're in the wrong... More ››
 107 - Policeman: Why did you lead me on a high-speed chase? Motorist: Because you'd catch me on a slo... More ››
 108 - Why do you have to wait so long for a ghost train to come along? They only run a skeleton serv... More ››
 109 - What did the big carburettor say to the little carburettor? "Don't inhale so fast or you'll cho... More ››
 110 - Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everythi... More ››
 111 - Policeman: Why didn't you stop at that red light? Motorist: Then you would have caught up with... More ››
 112 - Policeman: Didn't you hear me whistle at you? Woman Driver: Sure, but I don't flirt when I driv... More ››
 113 - Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too drunk to find your keys.... More ››
 114 - Policeman: Why are you driving that car in circles? Driver: I was just going for a little spin.... More ››
 115 - Policeman: Why were you speeding? Motorist: I was trying to get home before I ran out of gas.... More ››
 116 - "Take the wheel, Harry!" said the nervous lady driver. "There's a tree coming straight for us!"... More ››
 117 - Policeman: Why are you driving without a license? Motorist: Because it was revoked months ago.... More ››
 118 - Policeman: Do you know how fast you were going? Motorist: No, you're the one with the radar.... More ››
 119 - Q: What did the first stoplight say to the second stoplight? A: Don't look I'm changing!!... More ››
 120 - Policeman: Why are you driving on the sidewalk? Motorist: It's too dangerous on the street.... More ››
 121 - Policeman: Why didn't you obey that stop sign? Driver: I don't believe everything I read.... More ››
 122 - Policeman: Why did you crash into that stop sign? Motorist: I was only following orders.... More ››
 123 - Policeman: Why were you speeding? Motorist: I was trying to get away from the crime scene.... More ››
 124 - What is the best thing to take when you're run over? The number of the car that hit you.... More ››
 125 - What do you get if you cross an Egyptian mummy with a car mechanic? Toot and Car Man.... More ››
 126 - Policeman: How can you drive so recklessly? Driver: I have to, this is a getaway car.... More ››
 127 - Policeman: Why were you asleep at the wheel? Motorist: Your siren lulled me to sleep.... More ››
 128 - What do you call someone who draws funny pictures of motor vehicles ? A car-toonist !... More ››
 129 - Police Officer: Why are you driving in a bathing suit? Motorist: I'm in a car pool.... More ››
 130 - Policeman: Didn't you see that stop sign? Driver: I keep my eyes closed in traffic.... More ››
 131 - Policeman: Why have you parked your bus here? Bus Driver: The sign says "Bus Stop."... More ››
 132 - Why did the car judder to a stop when it saw a ghost? It had a nervous breakdown.... More ››
 133 - Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons.... More ››
 134 - What should a teacher take if he's run down? The number of the car that hit him.... More ››
 135 - Police Officer: Why were you speeding? Women Driver: I was late for traffic school.... More ››
 136 - What do you call a pig who's been arrested for dangerous driving ? A road hog !... More ››
 137 - Policeman: Why were you speeding? Driver: I didn't want to be late for my trial.... More ››
 138 - What is the meaning of afford? It's the car most sales representatives drive.... More ››
 139 - What kind of car drives over water? Any kind of car, if it goes over a bridge.... More ››
 140 - What did the man put on his car when the weather was cold? An extra muffler.... More ››
 141 - The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.... More ››
 142 - What happens if an axe falls on your car? You have an ax-i-dent (accident).... More ››
 143 - What is evil and ugly and goes at 125 mph? A witch in a high speed train.... More ››
 144 - Where do cars get the most flat tires? Where there is a fork in the road.... More ››
 145 - How do you stop a dog howling in the back of a car? Put him in the front.... More ››
 146 - Policeman: Didn't you hear my siren? Motorist: Sure, that's why I sped up.... More ››
 147 - What did one car muffler say to the other car muffler? "Am I exhausted!"... More ››
 148 - What do you call a person who falls onto you on a train ? A laplander !... More ››
 149 - What would you have if your car's motor was in flames? A fire engine.... More ››
 150 - Why is it not safe to doze on trains? Because they run over sleepers.... More ››
 151 - Why is an old car like a baby playing? Because it goes with a rattle.... More ››
 152 - What part of a car is the laziest? The wheels. They are always tired.... More ››
 153 - Why did the man put his car in the oven? Because he wanted a hot rod.... More ››
 154 - Whats black and white and red all over? A nun in a car accident.... More ››
 155 - What happens when a frog's car breaks down? It gets toad away..... More ››
 156 - What do you get when you put a car and a pet together ? Carpet !... More ››
 157 - Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car.... More ››
 158 - What do you call a witch who drives really badly? A road hag.... More ››
 159 - How did the woman feel when she got run over by a car? Tired.... More ››
 160 - Brother: How do you top a car ? Sister: Tep on the brake, tupid.... More ››
 161 - Q: What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A: A LOCOmotive.... More ››
 162 - What is a banged-up used car? A car in first-crash condition.... More ››
 163 - My dad is stupid. He thinks a fjord is a Norwegian motor car.... More ››
 164 - Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics.... More ››
 165 - What is an autobiography? The life story of an automobile.... More ››
 166 - What did the jack say to the car? "Can I give you a lift?"... More ››
 167 - What kind of ears do trains have? Engineers (engine ears).... More ››
 168 - Q: What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A: A Yamahahaha... More ››
 169 - What do you say to a one legged hitch-hiker? Hop in.... More ››
 170 - What song does a car radio play? A cartoon (car, tune).... More ››
 171 - Who drives away all of his customers? A taxicab driver.... More ››
 172 - Q) What's worse than raining buckets? A) Hailing taxis!... More ››
 173 - What is an autograph? A chart which shows car sales.... More ››
 174 - What driver doesn't have a license? A screw driver.... More ››
 175 - What do you call a pretend railway ? A play station !... More ››
 176 - Q. What has one horn and gives milk? A A milk truck.... More ››
 177 - What car do insects drive? A Volkswagen automobile.... More ››
 178 - Who drives away all his customers ? A taxi driver.... More ››
 179 - Which snakes are found on cars? Windscreen vipers.... More ››
 180 - Where do ghost trains stop? At devil crossings.... More ››
 181 - What do you call a group of cars ? A clutch !... More ››
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